MULLY Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 I really wish I had some fatherly advice to throw your way, guys, but I don't. I've been down the divorce road before so I know how it feels, but I also have a marriage now that is going to stand the test of time. The only thin I could possibly tell you would be to look forward to the future and deal with what's going on now as best you can. Women can be a strange breed. Once their mind gets set on something you might as well just give up because you're not going to change it. If these chicks don't want to work things out then you gotta let go. Kids are involved so the 2 of you have to at least come to a place with each other where you can stay sociable with each other for the kids. I was lucky enough in my first marriage that when it ended neither one of us wanted anything from the other. No alimony, no splitting things up. We took what was ours and that was that. Even though we never had kids we still talk to each other occasionally. Her job is translating things from Japanese to English and she'll ring me up from time to time to check something for her or whatever. You could say it was an amicable split. I think we both just realized that it was over and no amount of fighting or counseling or anything else was going to keep it together. I truly hope you guys can settle things the right way. This life of ours is too short to waste it bickering on the little shit....and it's all little shit. Good luck and keep us informed. You know you've got people to talk to anytime you want. MULLY skype me anytime www.skype.com mully5150 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest steggyD Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 [quote name='Bunghole' post='233455' date='Mar 17 2006, 01:10 AM']Own, Steggy, you still out there whizzing around in cyberspace?[/quote] I'm here. I'm up and down myself. One minute, my wife is threatening to run up to her mother's with the children, and sell the house, since it's all that remains between us, next minute, she is saying that I am so important and that we need to work on this. But she also told me that our dates are "superficial". I just don't know anymore. I think that she has her own issues within herself that is keeping her from being with me completely. I tried to take a vacation, because I am so stressed out and fed up with everything. I told her that I'm going back to Kentucky for the weekend, not to leave, but just to get away. Truth is, I've been blaming myself, beating myself up, when in the end, I try to tell myself that it's not my fault. So, I'm bouncing all over the place. I feel better, but still lack concentration. I really needed to go back home for a while, and be with the friends I had since ya know, like age 5, but she talked me into staying. Funny that I'm so necessary to her when I want to go somewhere for a while... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
|Bunghole| Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 [quote name='steggyD' post='233473' date='Mar 17 2006, 02:18 AM'][quote name='Bunghole' post='233455' date='Mar 17 2006, 01:10 AM'] Own, Steggy, you still out there whizzing around in cyberspace?[/quote] I'm here. I'm up and down myself. One minute, my wife is threatening to run up to her mother's with the children, and sell the house, since it's all that remains between us, next minute, she is saying that I am so important and that we need to work on this. But she also told me that our dates are "superficial". I just don't know anymore. I think that she has her own issues within herself that is keeping her from being with me completely. I tried to take a vacation, because I am so stressed out and fed up with everything. I told her that I'm going back to Kentucky for the weekend, not to leave, but just to get away. Truth is, I've been blaming myself, beating myself up, when in the end, I try to tell myself that it's not my fault. So, I'm bouncing all over the place. I feel better, but still lack concentration. I really needed to go back home for a while, and be with the friends I had since ya know, like age 5, but she talked me into staying. Funny that I'm so necessary to her when I want to go somewhere for a while... [/quote] Make yourself less available to her without saying/doing anything. Make her miss out on you for awhile.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MULLY Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 Well, have you guys thought about a separation? Just take some time away from each other to get your heads straight and see what you both really want? There can't be any fucking around while you're separated and that needs to be made clear up front. Tough situation, man. But from your post she seems just as confused as you are so maybe you guys can get it together. MULLY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MULLY Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 [quote]Make yourself less available to her without saying/doing anything. Make her miss out on you for awhile....[/quote] Yeah, that's not bad advice either. MULLY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MULLY Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 Without getting too personal here can you guys with the big marriage problems tell me the ages involved. How old are you and your wives? MULLY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Carson Show Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 [quote name='Fulcher_33' post='233485' date='Mar 17 2006, 02:40 AM']Without getting too personal here can you guys with the big marriage problems tell me the ages involved. How old are you and your wives? MULLY[/quote] and add pictures and phone numbers....... Just kidding good luck to steggy and own hope everything works out for you guys Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalsOwn Posted March 18, 2006 Report Share Posted March 18, 2006 [quote name='Dan_Bengals_NJ' post='233429' date='Mar 16 2006, 11:57 PM'][quote name='BengalsOwn' post='233428' date='Mar 16 2006, 11:52 PM'] april 28th is D-day that is all[/quote] Did you consult a lawyer yet and mention the particular things she did, to see if it would aid you in your struggles? BTW sorry to hear that man, hopefully things improve after that. [/quote] Nah, I don't care to give her money to get herself on her feet and what not. It's not like she expected anything outrageous anyways. I'll get by. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalsOwn Posted March 18, 2006 Report Share Posted March 18, 2006 [quote name='Fulcher_33' post='233485' date='Mar 17 2006, 02:40 AM']Without getting too personal here can you guys with the big marriage problems tell me the ages involved. How old are you and your wives? MULLY[/quote] Young, very young. 22 and 21 here. And yeah yeah yeah we were too young anyways. I refuse to use that as an excuse for my failed marriage. I know lots of people who got married at our age (19 and 18) who are going strong now 15+ years later. I do think that when we got married, I took on way too many responsibilities, and just tried to do to much and lost focus on the marriage and started focusing on other things. I was 19 years old, and trying to manage a rental property, working 7 days a week (60 hour weeks, all at night, but that was only for a few months), trying to remodel a kitchen, trying to fix up my car, etc. etc. etc. etc. It became overwhelming. I keep thinking, that maybe if I didn't start out with all the money I had (for those that don't know, I received a very large insurance settlement), and my wife and I just lived in a little apartment, and didn't have all of the distractions that we had, that I'd be happy right now. I dunno. I'm starting to accept things a little bit more. I'd like to meet some hot somewhat slutty girl who i can fool around with for a couple of months, just to keep my mind off things and I guess rebuild my confidence. That'd be pretty sweet I dunno if I could do it though, because I still think about my wife pretty much constantly, thinking about what could have been, and thinking about all the great times we shared together. Like tonight I was thinking about when I bought her the car she had wanted since she was like 14, a new Toyota Celica. She was so excited, but it was a 5-speed and she had never driven a 5-speed before. I was so proud of her and how within 3 days of me teaching her, she could drive it good enough so she could drive herself to work. I dunno, I always felt that she was my best friend, and I feel right now like I have lost the greatest friend I will ever have. Yeah, it still sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalBacker Posted March 18, 2006 Report Share Posted March 18, 2006 Throw yourself a bachelor party on the 29th. Hire some strippers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MULLY Posted March 18, 2006 Report Share Posted March 18, 2006 [quote name='BengalsOwn' post='234036' date='Mar 18 2006, 02:14 PM'][quote name='Fulcher_33' post='233485' date='Mar 17 2006, 02:40 AM'] Without getting too personal here can you guys with the big marriage problems tell me the ages involved. How old are you and your wives? MULLY[/quote] Young, very young. 22 and 21 here. And yeah yeah yeah we were too young anyways. I refuse to use that as an excuse for my failed marriage. I know lots of people who got married at our age (19 and 18) who are going strong now 15+ years later. I do think that when we got married, I took on way too many responsibilities, and just tried to do to much and lost focus on the marriage and started focusing on other things. I was 19 years old, and trying to manage a rental property, working 7 days a week (60 hour weeks, all at night, but that was only for a few months), trying to remodel a kitchen, trying to fix up my car, etc. etc. etc. etc. It became overwhelming. I keep thinking, that maybe if I didn't start out with all the money I had (for those that don't know, I received a very large insurance settlement), and my wife and I just lived in a little apartment, and didn't have all of the distractions that we had, that I'd be happy right now. I dunno. I'm starting to accept things a little bit more. I'd like to meet some hot somewhat slutty girl who i can fool around with for a couple of months, just to keep my mind off things and I guess rebuild my confidence. That'd be pretty sweet I dunno if I could do it though, because I still think about my wife pretty much constantly, thinking about what could have been, and thinking about all the great times we shared together. Like tonight I was thinking about when I bought her the car she had wanted since she was like 14, a new Toyota Celica. She was so excited, but it was a 5-speed and she had never driven a 5-speed before. I was so proud of her and how within 3 days of me teaching her, she could drive it good enough so she could drive herself to work. I dunno, I always felt that she was my best friend, and I feel right now like I have lost the greatest friend I will ever have. Yeah, it still sucks. [/quote] Hey, I know where you're at, man. My first marriage was when I was 21. No, there are marriages that last but statistcally speaking you're more likely to end up divorced when you get married that young. I'm not saying that's it but it has to be at least part of it. A lot of things change when you get into your 20's. I'm sure when you get to 30 or 35 you'll look back and say to yourself "God damn we were too young." I promise you that one. There is a lot of growth in your 20's that I personally think can ruin a marriage if you're not both on the same page. From what little I've heard of your situation she is not on the same page. I'm bummin' for ya, man. Honestly. But like everyone here has told you you just gotta let go and move on sometimes. Those good memories you have with her, like the car, keep those and cherish them, man. They'll at least give you a *good time* to look back on. Start looking forward, man. Get yourself in gear and get your life on track. I wouldn't be falling into the arms of a somewhat slutty chick if I were you. Last thing you need right now is another weight on your shoulders. I would also advise to keep your peter in your pants until the divorce is final....if it goes that far. You don't want to give her anything to use against you when it comes to splitting things up. A cheating husband will do wonders in divorce court....whether you've been separated or not. You're still married to her. Man, I really wish football season was starting and we could all get together and pound some beers together. Hell, I'd come out of drinking retirement for ya. MULLY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalsOwn Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 [quote name='Fulcher_33' post='234135' date='Mar 18 2006, 10:46 AM']I would also advise to keep your peter in your pants until the divorce is final....if it goes that far. You don't want to give her anything to use against you when it comes to splitting things up. A cheating husband will do wonders in divorce court....whether you've been separated or not. You're still married to her. Man, I really wish football season was starting and we could all get together and pound some beers together. Hell, I'd come out of drinking retirement for ya. MULLY[/quote] I doin't have to worry about that, I already "paid her off", so all of that's settled already. Plus we already signed the papers, just waiting for the court hearing in April. I appreciate the support man. Hopefully one day I will look back on this, and not feel completely devastated, like I do now. It's unbeleivable it's been almost 4 months since she left. Unbeleivable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
|Bunghole| Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 [quote name='BengalsOwn' post='236350' date='Mar 21 2006, 10:34 PM'][quote name='Fulcher_33' post='234135' date='Mar 18 2006, 10:46 AM'] I would also advise to keep your peter in your pants until the divorce is final....if it goes that far. You don't want to give her anything to use against you when it comes to splitting things up. A cheating husband will do wonders in divorce court....whether you've been separated or not. You're still married to her. Man, I really wish football season was starting and we could all get together and pound some beers together. Hell, I'd come out of drinking retirement for ya. MULLY[/quote] I doin't have to worry about that, I already "paid her off", so all of that's settled already. Plus we already signed the papers, just waiting for the court hearing in April. I appreciate the support man. Hopefully one day I will look back on this, and not feel completely devastated, like I do now. It's unbeleivable it's been almost 4 months since she left. Unbeleivable. [/quote] Live well and prosper. It will get better, I promise. I've been down your road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MULLY Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 [quote name='Bunghole' post='236367' date='Mar 22 2006, 12:49 PM'][quote name='BengalsOwn' post='236350' date='Mar 21 2006, 10:34 PM'] [quote name='Fulcher_33' post='234135' date='Mar 18 2006, 10:46 AM'] I would also advise to keep your peter in your pants until the divorce is final....if it goes that far. You don't want to give her anything to use against you when it comes to splitting things up. A cheating husband will do wonders in divorce court....whether you've been separated or not. You're still married to her. Man, I really wish football season was starting and we could all get together and pound some beers together. Hell, I'd come out of drinking retirement for ya. MULLY[/quote] I doin't have to worry about that, I already "paid her off", so all of that's settled already. Plus we already signed the papers, just waiting for the court hearing in April. I appreciate the support man. Hopefully one day I will look back on this, and not feel completely devastated, like I do now. It's unbeleivable it's been almost 4 months since she left. Unbeleivable. [/quote] Live well and prosper. It will get better, I promise. I've been down your road. [/quote] Yep. Been there done that too. It really sucks but it does get better. Just try to get it out of your system as best you can. And since the papers have been signed and everything is taken care of....get yourself some ass, man. MULLY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bengaljet Posted March 31, 2006 Report Share Posted March 31, 2006 I went thru this 15 yrs ago: Ex father-in-law said"protect yourself" Marriage counselor asked-why do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? So go on with your life-it'll either get better or get worse + that's your decision,it's up to YOU. Stay away from alcohol,drugs cause it only adds fuel to the fire. Today is the 1st day of the rest of your life,live it like YOU want. I look at some women(OK maybe most) as this is their way of fishing. When they get you on the "hook",they like reeling. When you "SLIP" off the hook,they may(or may not) get interested again. I'm not saying to end it cause that's up to YOU. Develop your own life and if she fits in great, if not you still have a life. I had a wife that left me with 2 kids in diapers. I did the hard work. Work that I wouldn't trade anything for and wouldn't want it for my worst enemy. So always remember=IT could be worse. Someone mentioned the court system and all I can say is "I saw discrimination vs the male". Maybe it has changed but I doubt it. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bengaljet Posted March 31, 2006 Report Share Posted March 31, 2006 I thought of this event this morning. 30 yrs ago I worked with a guy that came in 1 morning and said his wife had left last nite - taking kids +all of furniture except the couch. I was in my early 20's,felt bad for him and didn't know what to say. He was easy going ,fun-loving country boy--a man of few words. Seriously, I said to him 'what are you going to do"? He looked at me,never changed his expression and said,"Move my girlfriend in. Out with the old,in with the new". He started laughing and when I got my thumb out of my mouth ,I laughed too. That is exactly what happened and exactly how he handled it. There was not a lot that bothered him-he was like a duck on the pond -when it rained,the raindrops hit him but rolled off him into the pond. I couldn't do it exactly how he did it,but there are many ways to look at difficult situations. His was just a little off center,but it worked for him. Try to look at the problem from another angle-change is either growth or digression and Y-O-U make that choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest steggyD Posted April 3, 2006 Report Share Posted April 3, 2006 Just to update everyone... Well, we had our counseling sessions, we read our books. We were up, we were down, then we were further down, then we were up, down, up, down, at the bottom, then all is well. We had our battles, we fought it all out, bloody noses and all, ok, so there was no blood, just broken hearts. It got to the point where I was demanding a separation, and she was afraid of that. Ha, she wanted it in the first place. However, through all of this, we gained tons of knowledge about each other, deep insight into each other's feelings and emotions. We know each other so much more now, and have gained trust in each other. There is a deeper understanding and a stronger love now. It's hard to explain, because this came after probably the lowest moment of our tough times. It was just a sudden burst of happiness. Now my wife is even talking about renewing our vows (we were married by a justice, long story). So she wants the real wedding now, and the honeymoon and all. She says she's ready for the next phase of our relationship, and we both think that we can do the next phase so much better than the last one. I wish I knew what exactly happened, to help others out there going through troubles, but I just don't know. I think it was just meant to be, and I'm glad of that. I could not live with myself if I had to split my family apart. Thanks again, for the support, everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie_B Posted April 3, 2006 Report Share Posted April 3, 2006 This is wonderfull news. Perhaps all that was needed was the fighting and counseling and listening to each other so that you could grow to know each other better. That may have been the biggest issue more than anything else. Reguardless Im gladd the two of you are happy and working things out. God Bless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NASTYNATI Posted April 3, 2006 Report Share Posted April 3, 2006 [quote name='steggyD' post='221868' date='Feb 23 2006, 01:49 PM']Without going too deep into my problems, I'll vaguely describe my problem. It's marital problems. I'm not sure if any of you know my situation, but I'm about 3 months away from a BFA degree, and I have one hell of a senior thesis to work on. However, I cannot concentrate with these marital/emotional problems. We have been talking, arguing, but not clearing it all up. I need to finish my thesis, in order to graduate and maybe end up paying alimony and child support. How do I clear my head? Any of you older people around here been through troubled marriages? I can't concentrate. It's noon, and I'm 3 beers deep, playing fuckin' video games, when I should be working hard on my thesis. It's bothering me too much. I've put ten fuckin' years into this relationship, and decided to go to school to make my money-hungry wife happy, and now we have "problems". What's the cure? I'm too close to my degree and possibly a good career to throw it all away, but damn, it's killing me.[/quote] ok first and foremost id like to say that im young, never been married, and have no kids but after reading the first two pages i thought id chime in with my two cents, so here goes... When was the last time the two of you spent a romantic night, day, weekend togther? the last time you actually took your wife out for dinner and drinks? or the last time you sent her flowers and or something along those lines just to let her know that shes on your mind? I think that alot of problems in the relationship stem from lack of attention or "alone time"... solution: make arrangements for your mother in law or someone trustworthy to watch the children for the weekend, plan a romantic weekend getaway, send her flowers to the home or work or wherever she might be during the morning/afternoon hours. next take her to a classy restaurant, assure her that you love her and let her know that you really want this to work, continue to let her know that school is not the most important thing in your life she is and that you need this time so that you can become a better provider for her and your children. try and continue this trend annually but be sure to plan dinner or some form of date / alone time bi-weekly just to keep her on her toes, the best thing you can to for an attention seeking woman is to keep her guessing. leave her a little note on her car in the am, or call her at work / home whatever just to let her know that shes on your mind... keep her mind occupied and bring the spice back into the relationship. those times you just want to climb on the pc to get in some battlefield or whatever it is you play, or to postwhore on our beloved forum can be spent with her and the children instead. (assuming the wife and children are awake) im not sure what your situation is, nor do i know your current financial state im just offering you some common suggestions and i really do hope things work out for the best! keep us updated... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalsOwn Posted May 1, 2006 Report Share Posted May 1, 2006 [quote name='steggyD' post='242817' date='Apr 3 2006, 10:46 AM']Just to update everyone... Well, we had our counseling sessions, we read our books. We were up, we were down, then we were further down, then we were up, down, up, down, at the bottom, then all is well. We had our battles, we fought it all out, bloody noses and all, ok, so there was no blood, just broken hearts. It got to the point where I was demanding a separation, and she was afraid of that. Ha, she wanted it in the first place. However, through all of this, we gained tons of knowledge about each other, deep insight into each other's feelings and emotions. We know each other so much more now, and have gained trust in each other. There is a deeper understanding and a stronger love now. It's hard to explain, because this came after probably the lowest moment of our tough times. It was just a sudden burst of happiness. Now my wife is even talking about renewing our vows (we were married by a justice, long story). So she wants the real wedding now, and the honeymoon and all. She says she's ready for the next phase of our relationship, and we both think that we can do the next phase so much better than the last one. I wish I knew what exactly happened, to help others out there going through troubles, but I just don't know. I think it was just meant to be, and I'm glad of that. I could not live with myself if I had to split my family apart. Thanks again, for the support, everyone.[/quote] Great to hear Steggy! Unfortunately, my situation didn't end that way. As of 4/28/06, I am officially a single man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie_B Posted May 1, 2006 Report Share Posted May 1, 2006 [quote name='BengalsOwn' post='261348' date='May 1 2006, 01:18 PM']Great to hear Steggy! Unfortunately, my situation didn't end that way. As of 4/28/06, I am officially a single man.[/quote] Im sorry to hear that. Hopefully things get turned around for you in the near future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.