Arkansas Bengal Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Cincinnati Bengals Drew Magary Some people are fans of the Cincinnati Bengals. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Cincinnati Bengals. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: the Cincinnati Bengals. SPREADING JOY THROUGHOUT THE LAND… Your 2014 record: 10-5-1. That includes a first-round playoff loss to the Colts that I cannot remember at all. I know I watched it. I know I sat there and stared at a television for three hours, attempting to absorb it. It was no use. Whenever the Bengals play a playoff game, my brain sets itself to INSTAWIPE because it knows it the game will not be worth preserving in memory. The Bengals have lost in the first round of the playoffs for four straight years by a combined score of 103-43. They haven’t won a playoff game since 1990. Can’t we just BAN them from the playoffs at this point? I’ve had enough. We need to re-seed the playoffs so that the Bengals can never get in. If they qualify for the Wild Card round, they should immediately be replaced by the team with the next best record. If that had happened a year ago, the Ravens would have been the 5-seed and the Texans would have been the 6-seed. We could have had J.J. Watt in there. FUCK, MAN. We only get 11 of these playoff games a year. I want them to MEAN something. Marvin Lewis just scours his asshole with them. It’s a systemic problem. Your coach: Marvin Lewis. Go ahead, Marvin: make that stupid face you always make… Every time I see Marvin Lewis, it looks like he’s muttering, “Eh, shit,” to himself under his breath. He knows he’s never winning a playoff game. And he knows that YOU know that he knows he’s never winning a playoff game. But he can’t say anything to make it better, so he just walks around making that face. Forever. He looks my dad every Christmas when he wants to say something that might piss my mom off, but refrains from saying it because he doesn’t want to piss her off. Your quarterback: Andy fucking Dalton. I saw Andy Dalton play the worst game any professional quarterback has ever played last season. I mean it. I’ve seen MANY bad quarterbacks in my day. I watched Joe Webb start a playoff game. I’m telling you: What Andy Dalton did in Cleveland last season represents the absolute nadir of the positional genre. Here is the tape Dalton finished that game 10 of 33 for 86 yards with three interceptions. Against Cleveland. If he had been playing a real team, he would have had a THOUSAND picks. This was not an isolated incident. Want to be REALLY depressed? Here is Andy Dalton’s playoff game log: I mean… why even AIR these games? Why not air a re-run of Moonlighting instead? The blithe comic interplay between Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd would be so much better for our collective morale. Watching Andy Dalton try to play football is like watching your job get shipped out of town. I don’t know why he bothers anymore. He should quit and go to barber school or something. What’s new that sucks: Hey, guess who INSTANTLY had one of the team’s best-selling jerseys when he arrived? You guessed it: It’s A.J. Hawk! If you like white people but don’t know ANYTHING about football, the A.J. Hawk jersey is the jersey for you. What a shock that the tolerant, progressive citizens of Cincinnati would gravitate toward such a player. Hawk doesn’t even start. But sign him to a veteran’s minimum contract and you can pretty much bank on a 10 percent boost in merch sales thanks to local residents who couldn’t find tickets to Saturday’s Ohio State game and need a substitute place to go scream GO BUCKEYES for three hours. The team also brought in WR Denarius Moore. I predict all of Moore’s touchdown catches will come from Mohamed Sanu. Sanu is the best QB on this team by far. People are also excited about TE Tyler Eifert’s performance this preseason, which will make it all the more depressing his arm does this again: What has always sucked: Gio Bernard! GIO BERNARD, YOU OWE ME FUCKING MONEY. Jeremy Hill ran for 154 yards subbing for Bernard, and I was like, “Oh, that’s okay. Gio will get his job back!” AND HE DID NOT. He probably fucking died, for all I know. God damn you, Gio Bernard. I hate your face. Anyway, Marvin and Dalton are still here and will be forever. It’s like the Giants without the titles. The upside of this franchise, in its present incarnation, has already been maxed out. But they’ll keep going through the motions for the next five years with the same shit because Mike Brown is a scumbucket who got his stadium and his money and is fine with being just good enough. Besides, “good enough” is pretty much the high-water mark of excellence in Cincinnati. Cleveland is a dump, but at least it’s lovable. No one pities Cincinnati. And no one pities the Bengals, who are both shitty AND dirty: This city’s three biggest exports are race wars, inedible chili, and Ickey Woods. Every white person in the metropolitan area is named Mack. The Florence Mall has a water tower that says FLORENCE Y’ALL because Cincy is spiritually part of the Deep South and is therefore the worst. The Bengals’ most famous player is Boomer Esiason, who is a flaming asshole. I hate the Bengals. What might not suck: Look, this incarnation of the Bengals is such a wild improvement from the Bruce Coslet days that Cincinnati fans have no choice but to be like, “I guess it’s okay.” You just gotta sit there and take it. http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2015-cincinnati-bengals-1725399813 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fluhartz Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 fuck this Drew guy.. wait.. fuck everyone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scharm Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 That seemed overly cruel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
esjbh2 Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 Did BAB write that??? No mention of Peko, so I guess not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enon Bengal Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 These are usually pretty funny. This one just seemed forced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 Your 2014 record: 10-5-1. That includes a first-round playoff loss to the ColtsNo, it doesn't. That would be 10-6-1.Guy is and idiot, can't even do math to 17.:no ninja: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ColdWarrior Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 In an odd way, having haters that intense is progress! When we simply stunk for a decade, we were mocked but not hated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HairOnFire Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 I just wanted to point out the fan sitting on the right is wearing the jacket Sports Illustrated once gave away free with any paid subscription. I have no idea where he got his hat. That is all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Le Tigre Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 I often see this sort of thing in the stadium. Unfortunately for my age grouping, most seem to be of that age grouping. They wear the same shit they wore in 1993, never update at all. Yeah I get fixed incomes and all, but can't they at least lose the helmet logo and upgrade maybe to the flying tiger? Oh yeah, and these yearly articles are fucked up--and that is meant in the most demeaning way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VonBlade Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 The plus side the Stealer one is hilarious and true.Which makes me worry for ours... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arkansas Bengal Posted August 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 The plus side the Stealer one is hilarious and true. Which makes me worry for ours... Yeah it was great--here it is: Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Pittsburgh Stealers Some people are fans of the Pittsburgh Stealers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Pittsburgh Stealers. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: the Pittsburgh Stealers. Your 2014 record: 11-5 Your coach: Mike Tomlin, who looks like an angry frog. I keep waiting for Tomlin to whip out a forked tongue ribbon and eat a fly on live television. Anyway, the Stealers tried to force Dick LeBeau into retirement this offseason. He kindly responded by taking a job with the Titans. Your new defensive coordinator is Keith Butler, who looks like a UPS driver. SIGN HERE, PLEASE. Your quarterback: Ben “No More” Roethlisberger, seen here working through his daily broken jaw injury: I wonder if Big Ben is sitting at home relieved that he got all his alleged raping in under the wire. Imagine if he had faced those same accusations in 2015, with America slowly grasping the whole “Raping Is Bad” concept and Roger Goodell determined to hold military tribunals for every last player in football. You’d never see Big Ben again. Goodell would have locked him inside “the box.” Ol’ Ben timed his rape allegations PERFECTLY. Phew! Anyway, last time we left Big Ben, he was getting his brains mashed in by the Ravens in the Wild Card round. Let’s have a look! Roethlisberger left that game for a grand total of three snaps before the Stealers cleared him to play and trotted his dazed ass back out onto the field to throw the inevitable, decisive interception. Roethlisberger probably thought he was throwing the ball to a unicorn. The Stealers then explained that Roethlisberger had suffered whiplash, and not a concussion. IT’S OKAY! HE JUST BROKE HIS NECK IS ALL! Despite their ongoing façade of classiness, this is the shadiest fucking team in football. Oh, and Mike Vick might be coming to town, too! Pittsburgh is your designated halfway house for disgraced quarterbacks now. Set an insurance fire? LET’S GET YOU TO PITTSBURGH. THEY’LL SET YOU RIGHT. What’s new that sucks: The defense lost aging defenders Ike Taylor, Troy Polamalu, and Jason Worrrrrrrrruuuhhhhhlds all to retirement this offseason. Why now? Why not five years ago? The attrition on defense means that this team will be ever more reliant on Big Ben trying to throw for 500 yards a game while having his chin shattered. Good thing Maurkice Pouncey is already probably lost for the season! Todd Haley would hate to see Big Ben enjoy the luxury of consistent pass protection. What has always sucked: You know who didn’t retire this offseason? DO YOU KNOW WHO DIDN’T PUSS OUT ON THE Stealers?! That’s right! It’s this man: You won’t find James Harrison throwing himself a retirement party. When he retires, he will punish himself with gassers for surrendering to age like a coward. NOTHING IS GIVEN! EVERYTHING IS EARNED! GRRRRRRRR STILLER FOOTBALL GRRRRRRRR! Oh, how Pittsburgh fans loved this man for trashing his kids’ participation trophies. Really drove home the blue collar work ethic of that shitass town. Now, here is where the shady stuff comes in. You already know that Harrison was once accused of beating up his girlfriend. Here is a brief recap of the incident from ESPN. Harrison told police he and Beth Tibbott were arguing on March 8, and then he broke through her bedroom door, slapped her in the face and snapped her cell phone in half. The Stealers have said the couple were arguing about whether to baptize Harrison’s son. Here’s where it gets fucked up: Remember When Dan Rooney (oh, I’m sorry, it’s MISTER ROONEY, because the Stealers are just as obnoxiously patrician as the Skins but do a better job of hiding it) basically justified Harrison smacking his girlfriend in the face because it was over a baptism? We do. Here’s the money quote: “What Jimmy Harrison was doing and how the incident occurred, what he was trying to do was really well worth it. He was doing something that was good, wanted to take his son to get baptized where he lived and things like that. She said she didn’t want to do it.” This is your standard-bearer for the NFL, everyone. This supposedly the classiest organization in football. What a fucking load of shit. The Rooney family is garbage. The NFL trots them out on every possible occasion as exemplars of doing things the right way. Meanwhile, this franchise has been stuffed full of drugs for years. They employ a “cleaner” as head of security to whitewash any and all player misconduct. Roger Goodell jams a hand up Art Rooney’s ass any time he needs someone to vouch for dogshit like the Mueller Report. And then there’s the quote from Dan Rooney above. Fuck this family. And fuck the fans who gladly ignore all this and try co-opt a bit of the Rooney sheen while being complete and utter pigs themselves. These fucking people. Any bar that has Stealers fans in it is a bar ruined. These fans are all fat, unemployable losers. That’s why they pollute your local tavern every Sunday. They have nowhere else to go. And they have nothing better to do than wave a stupid towel and scream SIXBURGH at any unfortunate bystander. When Jeff Reed got booted from the Hall of Fame Game this summer, he was basically going native. No amount of Super Bowl titles would ever be worth aligning yourself with these troglodytes. They drink sausage grease by the pint. The only participation trophies they’ve had to throw away came from pie-eating contests. God, I hate the Stealers. May they burn in Hell forever. Also: the defense is bad and the field is about as well-maintained as Fury Road. What might not suck: This receiving corps is unreal, which means that Big Ben will post a six-TD game the moment you bench him in fantasy. Also, DeAngelo Williams is here to sub for Le’Veon Bell whenever Bell gets hurt and/or openly smokes a blunt while sticking his head out of a moon roof. http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2015-pittsburgh-Stealers-1725629956 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HairOnFire Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 This city’s three biggest exports are race wars, inedible chili, and Ickey Woods.I suddenly find myself fighting the urge to tip over a police car, put too much cheese on something, and then go out and get me some cold cuts.Maybe wash it all down with a Little King. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
|westside bengal| Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 I often see this sort of thing in the stadium. Unfortunately for my age grouping, most seem to be of that age grouping. They wear the same shit they wore in 1993, never update at all. Yeah I get fixed incomes and all, but can't they at least lose the helmet logo and upgrade maybe to the flying tiger? Caught me. I promise to stop wearing my Boomer or Ickey jersey. The only flying tiger gear I have is the "4-Peat NFL Playoff Participation" tee shirt I got at the Pro Shop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Le Tigre Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 Nah, retro jerseys are cool. It's just the ancient crap like that dude is wearing up there. Although it is so out of date it might be seen as retro, so what the heck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T-Dub Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 Despite their ongoing façade of classiness, this is the shadiest fucking team in football.Should be engraved over the entrance to Ketchup Bog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B.A.B. Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 Drew Margery is easily my favorite writer at Dead skin. Those WYTS articles are good every year. Well I am fond of anyone who reminds Cincinnatians that's their chili is brown doo doo water Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scharm Posted August 30, 2015 Report Share Posted August 30, 2015 Nah, retro jerseys are cool. It's just the ancient crap like that dude is wearing up there. Although it is so out of date it might be seen as retro, so what the heck.helmet logo is cool. That jacket could be new, they reissue the retro stuff all the time. Mitchell and Ness were selling the retro satin jackets with Helmet logo. They've brought back some retro "starter" jackets too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Le Tigre Posted August 30, 2015 Report Share Posted August 30, 2015 Still have my Starter jacket. Completely retro cool. Need to lose 10 pounds, and it will fit again. Mitchell & Ness will retro anything, but they still don't have a great pre-stripes BENGALS offering. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hint of Snow Posted August 30, 2015 Report Share Posted August 30, 2015 These are usually pretty funny. This one just seemed forced.I don't think there as good this year. They have been funnier in years past Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmishBengalFan Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 Caught me. I promise to stop wearing my Boomer or Ickey jersey. The only flying tiger gear I have is the "4-Peat NFL Playoff Participation" tee shirt I got at the Pro Shop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alleycat Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 After reading some of the comments around here the last couple of days I'm wondering why this article, albeit facetious, didn't start off with pointing a finger at the fans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scharm Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 I would love to have that t-shirt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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