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Four Famous People We Forgot Were A**holes

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2. Ben Roethlisberger 

I’m picking on Big Ben here because he’s a looming monstrosity of a quarterback and my college roommates conditioned me to laugh at him every time he ran. Stupid fat bastard. I don’t know much about football, but I don’t need to in order to recognize that a lot of these dudes are getting away with far too much. Ben has been facing some serious sexual assault allegations since 2009. What happened as a result? A six-game suspension that was later reduced to four. Shit, when I was a kid my parents wouldn’t let me play soccer for a whole season if I didn’t get good grades, never mind forcing myself on an unwilling girl. Screw it, GO Stealers! 

We see this all the time and we’re totally okay with it. Michael Vick trained innocent dogs to violently rip each other’s faces off, and we should’ve thought of an appropriate punishment like allowing Clay Matthews to eat him. Instead, Vick is back to sucking (a prerequisite for being a Jet), but at least he’s playing! Ray Rice will likely be back on the field even after falcon-punching a woman straight in the face. Luckily, the NFL was kind enough to give us condescending commercials with actors acting sad to make it all better. Rice, Vick, and Roethlisberger are still making millions after crimes that none of us could get away with, just because they can…run faster?

But surely the NFL will actually do something about the scandals we’re really pissed about, like Michael Sam being a queer and Tom Fucking Brady being unable to tell that the ball felt “a little weird.” Hells yeah, cuts and fines like the vengeance of God, baby! Can’t wait for next season!


1. John Lennon

3. Charles Bukowski (??)

4. Rob Lowe

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