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Im writtin a verse for a demo....

Guest whodey 85

By Guest whodey 85
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Jamie_B Hall Of Fame

Jamie_B

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[quote name='OG_OklahomaGirl_OG' post='346720' date='Sep 22 2006, 05:50 PM']SO...Jamie B...i would look who your callin a "loser" i could have you in check in about a year and a half. ;)
& yes CCC...[GROUP HUG]. LOL.
where's o'boy ONYX?...he hasn't paid for all his cookies yet. :)[/quote]


:1hump:

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Guest ONYX

Guest ONYX

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[quote name='OG_OklahomaGirl_OG' post='346720' date='Sep 22 2006, 05:50 PM']SO...Jamie B...i would look who your callin a "loser" i could have you in check in about a year and a half. ;)
& yes CCC...[GROUP HUG]. LOL.
where's o'boy sneaky?...he hasn't paid for all his cookies yet. :)[/quote]

your cookies tasted yummy, how much do I owe you?

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Guest Coy Bacon

Guest Coy Bacon

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[quote name='sneaky' post='344762' date='Sep 20 2006, 02:56 AM']Well, as some of you already know, I'm BAB's biological father but what all of you didn't know....
is that I'm also his ghost writer as well. This is a track from an album me and BAB is working on.

enjoy :afropic:

[u][b]It's time to jerk[/b][/u]

[b]Chorus: [/b]

[i]No ones here, I'm all home alone
My hands about to make me moan
Don't want nobody else
Can't stop touching myself
Moms out tonight, staying late at work
Got my pants off nucca, now its time to jerk[/i]

[b]First Verse:[/b]

BAB is back serving you hoes like a hot plate
spittin some shit i know yaw can relate
talk shit, i don't care, go ahead and hate
aint nuthin' wrong if a "g" wanna masturbate
because it's safer and cheaper than any date
my ding-a-ling so cool, he like my soulmate

[b]Chorus: [/b]

[i]No ones here, I'm all home alone
My hands about to make me moan
Don't want nobody else
Can't stop touching myself
Moms out tonight, staying late at work
Got my pants off nucca, now its time to jerk[/i]

[b]Second Verse:[/b]

who needs feminine affection?
all i need is a bra ad and i got myself an erection
i keep it clean so i don't catch no infection
asked it to the prom, cause he's my first selection
see, unlike girls, he neva gives me ah rejection
when we first touched, it was a love connection

[b]Chorus: [/b]

[i]No ones here, I'm all home alone
My hands about to make me moan
Don't want nobody else
Can't stop touching myself
Moms out tonight, staying late at work
Got my pants off nucca, now its time to jerk[/i]

[b]Third Verse:[/b]

dont need no girlfriend, cause my dinky is enough
when i have ashey hands, i give it to him rough
but sometimes i dim the lights and play some Kenny Chesney
who said you need a partner, when you making whoopee?

[b]Chorus: [/b]

[i]No ones here, I'm all home alone
My hands about to make me moan
Don't want nobody else
Can't stop touching myself
Moms out tonight, staying late at work
Got my pants off nucca, now its time to jerk[/i]
[b]Fourth Verse:[/b]

when we make love, baby it's the bomb
nobody will know if i keep shaving my palm
if i go blind i'll just buy some Bausch & Laumb
oh shit ! someone walked in-----it's my mom! :o

[b]Chorus: [/b]

[i]No ones here, I'm all home alone
My hands about to make me moan
Don't want nobody else
Can't stop touching myself
Moms out tonight, staying late at work
Got my pants off nucca, now its time to jerk[/i]
:2rave:

:dance: :dance: :dance: :dance: :dance:[/quote]


[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons//24.gif[/img] Dat's da shizzle ma nizzle

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Guest Coy Bacon

Guest Coy Bacon

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[quote name='whodey 85' post='344641' date='Sep 19 2006, 09:34 PM']If anybody gives a shit.... <_<

Here's a lil bit of a different version, witout the stuff about the bling:

Im sittin here girl wonderin why u be frontin
U like Evil-Kenievel cause all u doin is stunitin
That fool dont kno u, he cant push the right buttons
I aint for no fast hoes, Im into the tough ones
That's why I loved u girl cause u luv me some me
U didnt care about my social status or my salary
I remember our 1st kiss, picturin it so vividly
But now u vamoosed and u playin wit my reality
I shoulda been more careful, luv is built so fragily
We got enough memories to fill an art gallery
It all happened in a blur, y u leavin so suddenly?
It was all picture perfect, then u took off like the runaway B
Me n u was like Ebert and Robert, or Kool-Aid n sugar
God put us on this earth meant to be put together
I used to luv u girl like it was a drug addiction
But now I look at our relationship and all it is is fiction
Throughout ur whole life, leavin me was ur worst decision
Loyalty aint supposed to b broken, just check Webster’s definition
So enjoy ur new life wit him in a relationship prizon
After just one short night, Im the man that ull be missin

Anybody, Bueller?[/quote]

You've got a good start here, but everything you write - whatever it is that you write - usually needs to be rewritten. This is no exception - even if you've already rewritten a few times.

Your first line is idiomatic, but it's not a good hook - "why you be frontin'" is cliched. Rap audiences will accept some things that other audiences consider infantile, but that's just too worn out a phrase to get a listener excited about this piece being something fresh and interesting that ought to be listened to.

sneaky's thing was meant to be silly, but it gets you into it right away. "No one's here I'm all alone" is simple and common enough, but it lets you think, "Where is this going?" without taking up so much of your time that you don't care, then "My hands about to make me moan" is the payoff. It doesn't tell the listener that the singer is about to jack off, it paints a picture in a humorous and clever way. sneaky also uses the simple literary device of alliteration - the repeated "m" in "my" "make" "me" "moan" and the rhythmic effect of "make me moan" that comes from the alliteration combined with the roll of the ending consonant sounds and certain sense of what's called "vowel music."

Of course, sneaky probably didn't sit up and tediously work all that into it, but he may have consciously done some of it, like the alliteration. A good song writer ( I'll give rap the benefit of the doubt and call it a song form) does a lot of this naturally. A perusal of Tupac's lyrics shows that he used these literary devices quite a bit to give his writing form and flow.

If you want to be serious about this thing, I suggest you digest some of the published material on lyric writing and then figure out which principles will work with what you're trying to do. Naturally you don't want to get stuck in some kind of academic approach to what you're doing, but you want to have a conceptual basis for realistically critiquing your own work. You've got a concept, but you need to develop a sense of craft to breathe some art into it - even in the dressed-down rap market, you've got to know how to be slick and not just "real."

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Guest whodey 85

Guest whodey 85

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[quote name='Coy Bacon' post='346796' date='Sep 22 2006, 08:10 PM']You've got a good start here, but everything you write - whatever it is that you write - usually needs to be rewritten. This is no exception - even if you've already rewritten a few times.

Your first line is idiomatic, but it's not a good hook - "why you be frontin'" is cliched. Rap audiences will accept some things that other audiences consider infantile, but that's just too worn out a phrase to get a listener excited about this piece being something fresh and interesting that ought to be listened to.

sneaky's thing was meant to be silly, but it gets you into it right away. "No one's here I'm all alone" is simple and common enough, but it lets you think, "Where is this going?" without taking up so much of your time that you don't care, then "My hands about to make me moan" is the payoff. It doesn't tell the listener that the singer is about to jack off, it paints a picture in a humorous and clever way. sneaky also uses the simple literary device of alliteration - the repeated "m" in "my" "make" "me" "moan" and the rhythmic effect of "make me moan" that comes from the alliteration combined with the roll of the ending consonant sounds and certain sense of what's called "vowel music."

Of course, sneaky probably didn't sit up and tediously work all that into it, but he may have consciously done some of it, like the alliteration. A good song writer ( I'll give rap the benefit of the doubt and call it a song form) does a lot of this naturally. A perusal of Tupac's lyrics shows that he used these literary devices quite a bit to give his writing form and flow.

If you want to be serious about this thing, I suggest you digest some of the published material on lyric writing and then figure out which principles will work with what you're trying to do. Naturally you don't want to get stuck in some kind of academic approach to what you're doing, but you want to have a conceptual basis for realistically critiquing your own work. You've got a concept, but you need to develop a sense of craft to breathe some art into it - even in the dressed-down rap market, you've got to know how to be slick and not just "real."[/quote]

Good lookin out brotha. B)

I feel u in all that ur sayin and I kno I definetly have alot of work to do to b takin seriously. I appreciate u takin ur time in respondin like that.

[quote name='OG_OklahomaGirl_OG' post='346683' date='Sep 22 2006, 04:45 PM']iAN: WHY ARE YOU GOiN TO YOUR DADS? WHAT ARE YOU GETTiN OUT OF SCHOOL FOR?[/quote]

Fall Break shorty.

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Guest ONYX

Guest ONYX

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[quote name='OG_OklahomaGirl_OG' post='347039' date='Sep 23 2006, 11:19 AM']AND sneaky..
YOU OWE ME MORE THAN JUST SOME MONEY.
;)[/quote]

[img]http://content.clearchannel.com/Photos/musicians/r_kelly/r_kelly_court2_GeorgeMcGinn.jpg[/img]

[img]http://content.clearchannel.com/Photos/musicians/r_kelly/r_kelly3_GeorgeMcGinn.jpg[/img]

[img]http://content.clearchannel.com/Photos/musicians/r_kelly/r_kelly_court_GeorgeMcGinn.jpg[/img]



:whistle:

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Guest whodey 85

Guest whodey 85

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[quote name='OG_OklahomaGirl_OG' post='350746' date='Sep 25 2006, 07:59 PM']SO COME ON BOYS...
[.NEW ROUND.]
WHAT DO YALL SAY?!...[/quote]

Im gonna answer for all of us.......

No, the time aint ripe.
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