More SI Love

[AmishBengalFan]

Linky: [url="http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writers/dr_z/09/27/power.ranks1/index.html"]http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writ...nks1/index.html[/url]

When a team is having a bad day and it comes from behind to win, I factor that in very heavily in my rankings. It's almost more of a plus than an easy victory against a nobody. In which games does this theory apply? Don't know. I haven't read that far ahead. I'm just trying to short-circuit the inevitable howling and whining that follows every set of these accursed things.

By now I'm sure you're sick of these lame little preambles, but my contract says that I can't just jump into the actual ratings. I have to let the readers down gently. Not that you've been let down, kindly tuck your napkin in and get ready for your weekly serving of gruel:


1. Cincinnati Bengals (3-0) (LW=5)
Jags are out, Bingos are in, neatly leapfrogging three other winners. They've got a serious motivational tool going for them. A shovel. No kidding, they take it with them to games. Each week a player gets designated as the transporter and keeper of the shovel. Against pissburgh it was tackle Willie Anderson. "At one point they had us covered in dirt," he explained. "We had to shovel it off our heads." Oh yeah, we're all really shoveling it at this point.

2. Seattle Seahawks (3-0) (LW=8)
Can a cleverly crafted passing game and an improved defense hold up in Chicago Sunday night? Well, I picked Seatttle to win, but last week I got killed on my picks, remember? What I want to know is why Mike Holmgren let Shaun Alexander, who came into the Giants game with a bad foot, smack into the line late in the third quarter with the Hawks up, 35-3. It's a tradition, I guess, a lunatic aspect of the game I'll never understand.

3. Indianapolis Colts (3-0) (LW=3)
What do you do when a bigger team is slaughtering you on the ground? You run-blitz and tell the defensive backs to buckle up because they'll be in tight man coverage. Is that what the Colts did in the second half against the Jags? Kind of, I mean to a certain extent, which means, in sum, that I'm not really sure. Played harder, I guess. Prayed. Won the game.

4. Baltimore Ravens (3-0) (LW=2)
So they won on a bad day and got dropped two spots, and this is after I promised it wouldn't happen. I mean I promised that less than five minutes ago. It's tough, I know, but I felt that I simply had to make room for the Bengals and Seahawks. If you feel that you have been betrayed, kindly address an email to your faithful narrator, and remember, the nastiest and most vicious have the best chance of getting through.

5. Chicago Bears (3-0) (LW=6)
The return of Honest Doc. Last week I promised that a fall from a higher perch (which was inevitable because Indy played Jacksonville), coupled with a Chicago victory, one of the few games I called right, would get the Bears into the top five. One thing I hate is lying. Another is tapioca pudding.

6. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1) (LW=1)
First the bad news. Although they're skilled in hand-to-hand fighting, they're not really immune to screwups in the open field game. Now the good news. Did you see little Maurice Drew-Jones? I mean wow! How'd this rookie ever get past the first round?

7. San Diego Chargers (2-0) (LW=7)
The only team to hold its position after a bye (except for the Raiders, who don't count). That's because I like the Chargers, and not only that, I foresee a victory for them in Baltimore Sunday. "Oh, God, no!" scream the San Diego fans. Fear not. I'm due for a hot week.

8. Denver Broncos (2-1) (LW=15)
They went up on the Patriots, 10-0, in the first half in Foxboro. Then the moment of truth arrived. Three third-quarter series gained them nothing. Jake Plummer, battling for his quarterbacking life, threw five incompletes in this period. So what happened? The defense stepped up big time and held Brady and the boys to four straight possessions that ended in punts, with only one first down allowed. And then the Bronco offense put the game away. How'd Denver do it? For the answer to that, see New England, six spots to the south, which is my clever device to keep my readers from bagging this thing and rushing to watch Dancing With the Stars.

9. Minnesota Vikings (2-1) (LW=11)
Brad Johnson is a solid old vet. He's a careful chap who can't stand mistakes. He's a true professional, but he's not the exciting gunslinger type who can bring a team back in a hurry. Not many of them are these days. It's the nature of the game.

10. New Orleans Saints (3-0) (LW=16)
Yeah, I watched ESPN's Monday night telethon from New Orleans, and square as this might sound, I was one of the few people trying to make some sense out of the game. And what I realized was that the Saints will end up with a good record this year, mark my words, because they're playing on a surface that's built for them. I don't know if this is deliberate, or the luck of the Irish, but that soft footing in the Superdome plays right into the hands of a defensive backfield without speed. When I watched someone like Mike McKenzie matching the swiftest wideouts Atlanta could offer stride for stride downfield, I said to myself, "Self, this mushy field has given him new life." So what did the Saints do? They crowded the box and swarmed the Atlanta running game. That meant they had to go almost entirely man-to-man against the Falcon receivers, who aren't much good anyway, and the field made it all work for them. Will this work against someone with a big league pass and catch game? Yeah, I think so.

The Rest:
11. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)
12. pissburgh stealers (1-2) (LW=9)
13. Atlanta Falcons (2-1) (LW=4)
14. New England Patriots (2-1)
15. New York Jets (2-1)
16. Dallas Cowboys (1-1)
17. St. Louis Rams (2-1)
18. Buffalo Bills (1-2)
19. New York Giants (1-2) (LW=10)
20. Carolina Panthers (1-2)
21. Washington Redskins (1-2)
22. Arizona Cardinals (1-2)
23. Kansas City Chiefs (0-2)
24. Green Bay Packers (1-2)
25. San Francisco 49ers (1-2)
26. Miami Dolphins (1-2)
27. Detroit Lions (0-3)
28. Tennessee Titans (0-3)
29. Cleveland Browns (0-3)
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3)
31. Houston Texans (0-3)
32. Oakland Raiders (0-3)

[|Bengal Migration|]

Who was the assclown that had Detroit winning their division, again? Was that Shitlock?

[Jason]

[url="http://forum.go-bengals.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=23186&view=findpost&p=352368"]http://forum.go-bengals.com/index.php?s=&a...st&p=352368[/url]

[Utts]

What would the love child of Whitlock and Dr. Zero look like???

[AmishBengalFan]

[quote name='Jason' post='352657' date='Sep 27 2006, 06:15 PM'][url="http://forum.go-bengals.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=23186&view=findpost&p=352368"]http://forum.go-bengals.com/index.php?s=&a...st&p=352368[/url][/quote]
Ah! [i]There[/i] is it.

I should stop being proactive, since all of you guys are much better able to post these kinds of things when they're only microseconds old. I'll just sit back and be reactive, post witicisms, make fun of Mennonites, and crank a bunch of numbers to keep you folks entertained.

Oh wait, I just thought of one.

Q: Why aren't Amish women ever satisfied... uh.... in the bedroom?
A: Because they need two Mennonite.

[Guest mongoloido]

wow. that joke's bad, even by my standards...

[AmishBengalFan]

[quote name='mongoloido' post='352727' date='Sep 27 2006, 07:40 PM']wow. that joke's bad, even by my standards...[/quote]Praise from Caesar!

HECK YES!
[img]http://www.tvdance.com/napoleon-dynamite/horse02z.gif[/img]