Guest BengalsOwn Posted February 28, 2006 Report Share Posted February 28, 2006 well any progress i made last night has since been destroyed probably the last nail in the coffin for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest oldschooler Posted February 28, 2006 Report Share Posted February 28, 2006 [quote name='BengalsOwn' post='224215' date='Feb 28 2006, 01:36 PM']well any progress i made last night has since been destroyed probably the last nail in the coffin for me.[/quote] What did you do now ? [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons//40.gif[/img] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie_B Posted March 4, 2006 Report Share Posted March 4, 2006 Own I know we give you a lot of shit for being the crancy guy, but know that even though you can get on my nerves from time to time Im still praying for you man. No one should even have to go through some of the stuff youve been through. I know your a Christian so know that whatever your deal with right now is all part of Gods plan, and while it may be easy to curse his name and become extreamly angy and bitter, know that there are reasons for this and use it to learn about yourself and what he wants from you. Im praying for all you guys. Your Brother in Christ, Jamie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalsOwn Posted March 7, 2006 Report Share Posted March 7, 2006 [quote name='Jamie_B' post='225931' date='Mar 4 2006, 12:00 AM']Own I know we give you a lot of shit for being the crancy guy, but know that even though you can get on my nerves from time to time Im still praying for you man. No one should even have to go through some of the stuff youve been through. I know your a Christian so know that whatever your deal with right now is all part of Gods plan, and while it may be easy to curse his name and become extreamly angy and bitter, know that there are reasons for this and use it to learn about yourself and what he wants from you. Im praying for all you guys. Your Brother in Christ, Jamie[/quote] Jamie, Much appreciated man. steggy, how are you doing? Hope all is well. No progress made here, we'll be in court probably in late april/early may, i'm hoping i can get that put off but it doesn't look good at all. let me know if i can help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest steggyD Posted March 8, 2006 Report Share Posted March 8, 2006 I honestly think that things are going well here. I am reading a book right now too, that seems great so far. This book actually tells men how we are supposed to be in a marriage. They should hand these out at the altar, I swear. It's called The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Of course, I haven't implemented any of the ideas yet, since I just started reading it, but it teaches men how to be caring and understanding without turning ourselves into sappy wimpy Hollywood romantic wannabe's. It takes the strengths of men, and shows how to use them in a relationship. I have very good feelings about this book. Not that I think a book can save a marriage, but it can sure help, I hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ONYX Posted March 8, 2006 Report Share Posted March 8, 2006 steggyD, I hope everything works out with you and yours. Personally the thought of marriage scares the hell out me. Thats why I am 32, never married with no kids. My secret............... I treat women like postage stamps. Lick 'em, Stick 'em, and send their asses away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalsOwn Posted March 8, 2006 Report Share Posted March 8, 2006 [quote name='steggyD' post='227499' date='Mar 7 2006, 09:29 PM']I honestly think that things are going well here. I am reading a book right now too, that seems great so far. This book actually tells men how we are supposed to be in a marriage. They should hand these out at the altar, I swear. It's called The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Of course, I haven't implemented any of the ideas yet, since I just started reading it, but it teaches men how to be caring and understanding without turning ourselves into sappy wimpy Hollywood romantic wannabe's. It takes the strengths of men, and shows how to use them in a relationship. I have very good feelings about this book. Not that I think a book can save a marriage, but it can sure help, I hope.[/quote] That's the only thing that I have that can save my marriage, a freakin book, that she doesn't seem very willing to read I proposed that if she decides to work things out, that we go somewhere out of state, and get a cabin, and spend an entire weekend just talking, and reading, and doing whatever we can to fix things. No TV, no computers, no movies, nothing but talking and what not. Now I have to hope that she reads this book that I gave her, and it at least makes her consider working things out. I don't want to be divorced. I wish I could say I'm not holding my breath, but I am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ONYX Posted March 8, 2006 Report Share Posted March 8, 2006 I also recommend getting some "strange". It will work wonders for your stress, at least temporarily. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalsOwn Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 [quote name='sneaky' post='227648' date='Mar 8 2006, 09:32 AM']I also recommend getting some "strange". It will work wonders for your stress, at least temporarily. [/quote] I tried that, and it didn't work. That's pretty much the worst advice i've ever heard given to a man who's wife completely destroyed his life. For those of you who put some thought and care into this thread, I haven't had anything to drink since Saturday night, and I feel a little bit better, but i'm still fucking miserable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalBacker Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 [quote name='BengalsOwn' post='228151' date='Mar 9 2006, 12:54 AM']a man who's wife completely destroyed his life. For those of you who put some thought and care into this thread, I haven't had anything to drink since Saturday night, and I feel a little bit better, but i'm still fucking miserable.[/quote] Own. If your life gets destroyed over this, it will be because you let it destroy you. Wallowing in self pity, while understandable, isn't going to do you any good. If it's over, let it go. New chapter in your life. Learn from what happened and move on. Don't blame her and don't blame yourself. Sometimes shit just happens. Start concentrating on what you can do to make YOUR life happier. No one should ever allow themselves to depend on ANYONE else to be happy. Do what it takes to be happy with yourself and good things will follow. Look around at the people you've known in your life. Some of them are just always miserable no matter what. Did you enjoy being around those people, or did they just bring you down? What about the people who always seem to have a positive outlook? Always smiling? Don't they kind of make you feel better when you're around them? Look, life deals pretty much every last one of us a heaping plate of steaming shit on a regular basis. You either sit there and stare at that shit and let the smell overwhelm you, or you push it aside, clean the plate and move on. Don't dwell on the shit. It won't help you in future relationships, and it won't help your chances of saving your current one. Realize that no matter how much you love someone or no matter how much you fear being alone, all of of us are alone. We may share our lives, or a portion of our lives with others, but we are always alone. No matter what, be happy because the alternative is being miserable. Life is too short to spend it being miserable over shit that other people do. We all give you shit on here because you come across as....cranky. I'm sure you're a good guy and I'd love to have a beer with you some day. I'm nobody special and maybe I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, but I've learned to be happy with who I am and what I am. A flawed human being just trying to make my time here as stress free and enjoyable as possible, given the plates of shit I have to deal with. That attitude has served me pretty well for 47 years. I wish you luck, but luck really doesn't have much to do with it. Outlook and mindset is the key. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest oldschooler Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 In my experience...I`d say that is some pretty damn good advice Backer. Ecspecially the part about not relying on someone else to make you happy. Own, just be happy for what you do have...youth, a good job, nice house, family, friends and your health. As long as you take this and turn it into a positive, learn from it and build off of it...you`ll be fine. There are to many women out there that would treat you like gold and be happy and thankful to be with you, to worry about ONE woman. It`s better to end a disfunctional relationship in it`s early stages...than to live in a disfunctional relationship for years, have children and it end up where you`re at now anyway. It`s better to have loved and lost...than to love a loser. And to me... when you`re married and someone cheats, that makes them the ultimate loser. To me that`s a deal breaker. And I wouldn`t even attempt to try and make things works. Some people can try...but if you had problems before. Something like that just amplifies them... and it would always be something that you carry with you. It`s best to just clean that plate now and move on. I know it`s easier said than done. And the reason I know is because I`ve been down that road myself. All I`ve really done is add to Backer`s post... and add a little from my own experiences. But I hope you realize that you`re not the first person that has been down that road. And you definitely won`t be the last. It`s up to YOU to have a good life from here on out. I wish you the best of luck. I know you`ll be fine... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest steggyD Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 I think the hardest thing is the thought of losing the reality that you have created for yourself. I was thinking, wow, 10 years, all this reality that I have created for myself. The wife, the kids. Doing things for the wife, her doing things for me. Sleeping in the same bed. Sharing our problems. Everything was for my wife, I knew nothing else. And in a moment's notice, it all came crashing down on me, probably the most traumatic moment of my life. The reality I created was almost like the matrix. Even though it seemed so real to me, it obviously wasn't what I thought it was. All of those things I did because I loved someone, almost seemed to be for nothing. Then thinking about accepting a new reality seemed to be so hard, especially since I hadn't really lost those feelings. But, you can't force someone else to accept your reality. Maybe it is time to take the other colored pill, whatever it may be. For me, I don't think I have to take that other pill, but I was forcing myself to accept it, if I had to. Luckily you have no children. I know that doesn't make things easier, but it does save a few other souls from the pain and suffering. I would also not recommend getting too involved with another female too soon. She may seem like the answer at the time, but beware of her just being a band-aid for your wounds. Take your time, and find yourself outside of the relationship. Move on, do something constructive with your time, something that will make you feel good about yourself, something that may even help others. I don't know what else to say, because I've only had to think about these things so far, but I think I can salvage my family. Also, sorry for the Matrix analogies, but that's how I looked at it when the thought of my reality just disappearing suddenly. Also, I have suddenly taken a liking to bluegrass music, how odd. Try a new relaxing type of music to help ease the soul. Something new and fresh to you. Classical, jazz, bluegrass, whatever. Something good on the soul. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalsOwn Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 [quote name='steggyD' post='228220' date='Mar 9 2006, 09:56 AM']I think the hardest thing is the thought of losing the reality that you have created for yourself. I was thinking, wow, 10 years, all this reality that I have created for myself. The wife, the kids. Doing things for the wife, her doing things for me. Sleeping in the same bed. Sharing our problems. Everything was for my wife, I knew nothing else. And in a moment's notice, it all came crashing down on me, probably the most traumatic moment of my life. The reality I created was almost like the matrix. Even though it seemed so real to me, it obviously wasn't what I thought it was. All of those things I did because I loved someone, almost seemed to be for nothing. Then thinking about accepting a new reality seemed to be so hard, especially since I hadn't really lost those feelings. But, you can't force someone else to accept your reality. Maybe it is time to take the other colored pill, whatever it may be. For me, I don't think I have to take that other pill, but I was forcing myself to accept it, if I had to. Luckily you have no children. I know that doesn't make things easier, but it does save a few other souls from the pain and suffering. I would also not recommend getting too involved with another female too soon. She may seem like the answer at the time, but beware of her just being a band-aid for your wounds. Take your time, and find yourself outside of the relationship. Move on, do something constructive with your time, something that will make you feel good about yourself, something that may even help others. I don't know what else to say, because I've only had to think about these things so far, but I think I can salvage my family. Also, sorry for the Matrix analogies, but that's how I looked at it when the thought of my reality just disappearing suddenly. Also, I have suddenly taken a liking to bluegrass music, how odd. Try a new relaxing type of music to help ease the soul. Something new and fresh to you. Classical, jazz, bluegrass, whatever. Something good on the soul.[/quote] You are exactly right, the reality of my life is completely gone. I have spent the last 3 years of my life, when thinking about my future, thinking taht I'd be starting a family soon, thinking about what I was going to do for my wife on our 5 year anniversary, thinking about how I was going to balance work, school, and family life, thinking about the cars I want to buy, thinking about how I could pay off our new house as fast as possible, and now every single thing that i've thought about the last 3 years is gone. I can't afford anything now, I will barely be able to get by paying the mortgage on my new house, I have to sell a car we bought together back in October, with the plans that it would be good for hauling a kid around in, my pets are gone, the only true friend I've ever had in my entire life doesn't want anything to do with me. I can't even describe how I feel. I remember when I was 17 years old, and found out that I would never have full use of my right hand for the rest of my life, and that as I get older, it's going to hurt more and more. I found out that my head injury was going to leave me messed up for the rest of my life (it's not bad, just don't have as good of balance as I used to have, and memory loss). I spent an entire summer laying in bed, wondering if I would ever be able to use my hand again, drugged up on oxycontin to releive the pain of my broken shoulder blade and huge gaping wounds covering my right arm, starting at my index finger nuckle going all the way up to my shoulder, and broken rib, and the pain caused by the fact that my index finger knuckle and the entire top of my hand was ground up on pavement. I was devastated, and spent my senior year in high school in a deep depression, and only graduated because teachers felt sorry for me. Well, I would do that 10 more times without hesitation if it would make me forget the pain that I feel now. It is the most devastating thing that I could ever imagine, other than being married to someone and they died, or losing a child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie_B Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 [quote]Then thinking about accepting a new reality seemed to be so hard, especially since I hadn't really lost those feelings. But, you can't force someone else to accept your reality. Maybe it is time to take the other colored pill, whatever it may be. For me, I don't think I have to take that other pill, but I was forcing myself to accept it, if I had to. Luckily you have no children. I know that doesn't make things easier, but it does save a few other souls from the pain and suffering. I would also not recommend getting too involved with another female too soon. She may seem like the answer at the time, but beware of her just being a band-aid for your wounds. Take your time, and find yourself outside of the relationship. Move on, do something constructive with your time, something that will make you feel good about yourself, something that may even help others.[/quote] This is extreamly good advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm Posted March 10, 2006 Report Share Posted March 10, 2006 There is always hope, you guys are still young, during my early 20s I was in a relationship and had a baby daughter everything seemed good until I found out that my baby's mother was a call girl, she had it totally hidden from me, I already knew that she was totally self centered and greedy and just a downright mean person but I looked past it, I should have known something was amiss from the amount of cash we enjoyed, maybe I didn't see the warning signs or refused to acknowledge them but the hell that I endured over the course of a year almost drove me to insanity, I ended up doing some stupid shit and was facing legal troubles, I lost my job and almost ending up homeless I almost gave up completely but the driving force to survival was my daughter who was in the hands of a worthless piece of shit and without a job or place to live I was powerless to gain custody. I went into blur of drug and alcohol abuse that lasted a year, finally I had enough of the self pity and wallowing in sorrow and realized that I had become as much of a worthless piece of shit as her so I cleaned myself up got my job back and worked my way back to sanity, it took over a year of my life Once I was able to forgive and forget, things got much better I started dating my present wife I started spending a lot more sober time with my daughter and things got better from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STRAYCAT Posted March 10, 2006 Report Share Posted March 10, 2006 Look at it this way. She was a Chev and decided it dosen't start anymore.So you move on and get a porsche Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalsOwn Posted March 10, 2006 Report Share Posted March 10, 2006 [quote name='STRAYCAT' post='228549' date='Mar 9 2006, 08:02 PM']Look at it this way. She was a Chev and decided it dosen't start anymore.So you move on and get a porsche [/quote] But, IMO, she kinda was the porsche. Very very very hot. I'm afraid I'm going to have to trade in the Porsche for a Suburban Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest steggyD Posted March 10, 2006 Report Share Posted March 10, 2006 No, Porsches don't act up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalsOwn Posted March 10, 2006 Report Share Posted March 10, 2006 [quote name='steggyD' post='228794' date='Mar 10 2006, 09:31 AM']No, Porsches don't act up.[/quote] So I guess she'd be considered a Lamborghini? (very hard to maintain, and oil changes costing thousand of dollars) I wouldn't mind trading the Lamborghini in for a Porsche. I just hope it's not that Porsche SUV. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Dan_Bengals_FL- Posted March 11, 2006 Report Share Posted March 11, 2006 [quote name='BengalsOwn' post='223708' date='Feb 27 2006, 04:01 PM']and of course she isn't willing to go to marriage counseling either. really really pisses me off. And I did a lot of wrong, especially back in the first year of marriage. I can't explain what happened, but I guess the shock of all of a sudden being married, having lots of bills, having the responsibility of owning a house and a rental property, and managing money all took a toll on me, and I didn't put in any effort to make things good in our marriage. Then I started working nights, which just made things worse. When I was working nights, she ended up fooling around with someone else while I was at work. However that has since passed, and things were going pretty good. She just couldn't let go of the past, and I guess I couldn't let go of it either, but I think I did a lot better job than she did of forgetting the past, even though the things that I screwed up weren't anywhere close to as bad as her having an affair... At least I'm young I guess... [/quote] If you can some way prove she cheated on you and that is part of the reason for the divorce, I think you can get away with most of the money and the house, etc. Cheating is a big no, no. Anyway, good luck to both of you, best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalsOwn Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 april 28th is D-day that is all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Dan_Bengals_FL- Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 [quote name='BengalsOwn' post='233428' date='Mar 16 2006, 11:52 PM']april 28th is D-day that is all[/quote] Did you consult a lawyer yet and mention the particular things she did, to see if it would aid you in your struggles? BTW sorry to hear that man, hopefully things improve after that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
|Bunghole| Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 [quote name='BengalsOwn' post='233428' date='Mar 16 2006, 11:52 PM']april 28th is D-day that is all[/quote] Don't do anything rash that could hurt your chances at having a quasi-amicable divorce, if that is indeed what will happen, barring a reconciliation on you all's part. Like others have said, you're going to have to eat the pain for awhile until time heals your wounds and you meet somebody else, since it seems as if there isn't any hope for your relationship with your current wife. I also have been married before (and my current marriage is FAR from rosy, but doable and we have children involved, most of our differences are on life outlook and politics, but we argue like cats and dogs), and I know this pain, ESPECIALLY when you are sexually cheated upon by your partner. It hurts like hell, and as a young man, I resorted to begging and pleading, which made it all worse. I have never got more pussy as a 30something guy than when I decided that I didn't give a fuck about using sex to fill the emptiness that filled my nights after divorcing my first wife, whom was probably thre hottest girl I've ever been with. But here again, emphasis on appearance. If Sex and beauty are all that fuels your desire/marriage, you are better off simply dating/screwing in the first place. If it's over, it's over. You HAVE to let go, as much as it may pain you initially. It WILL get better over time. Focus on everything else in life you enjoy to keep you busy until you come to the realization that over time, you don't seem to care as much anymore and you can seek other companionship without regret. Thank God you don't have children. That would be an absolute nightmare, and a very good reason IMHO to try harder to make a bad relationship work. but you don't have that. let it go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie_B Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 [quote name='BengalsOwn' post='233428' date='Mar 16 2006, 11:52 PM']april 28th is D-day that is all[/quote] Im sorry to hear that man. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your future. Take whatever time you need to heal, and while we all need attraction to our mates dont make that the top priority. Your partner should be your best friend above and before everything else. I dont know the details as to your relationship but if its truly over and it seems it may be, use the immiadiate future to focus on yourelf and dont go running out to fill the void and do things youll regret down the line because of that. Im still praying for ya man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
|Bunghole| Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 Own, Steggy, you still out there whizzing around in cyberspace? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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