Guest LoyalFanInGA Posted January 31, 2007 Report Share Posted January 31, 2007 I'll give you some examples: 1.) If you're 18 years old and your left testicle hangs lower than the right...that is perfectly normal. I don't want to hear you whine about how "This is bullshit!" or "You mean I can't get this fixed?" GET WHAT FIXED? YOU'RE NORMAL. WATCH A FUCKIN' PORNO, FOR CHRIST SAKES! I'M SURE THERE IS SOME PLASTIC SURGEON WHO WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY TO MAKE YOUR SCROTUM PERFECTLY SYMMETRICAL, BUT YOU'RE NORMAL! 2.) Urine is a sterile bodily fluid. You will not get diarrhea from drinking your wife's urine, unless she is currently suffering from a urinary tract infection. I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN HOW YOU DRANK YOUR WIFE'S URINE, BUT MAYBE THE NEXT TIME YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK AND DRIVE, JACKASS. 3.) If your wife gets a rash "everytime I cum on her back" do you really expect me not to laugh? SERIOUSLY! I'M THINKING, "AT LEAST IT ISN'T HER FACE, RIGHT?" THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO FOR YOUR POTENT MAN JUICE. SHE SHOULD GO TO THE DOCTOR, NOT YOU. MEANWHILE, YOU SHOULD SEE THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE TO WEAPONIZE YOUR SEMEN. OR AT LEAST MARKET IT FOR WOMEN TO CARRY IN SMALL AEROSOLIZED CANNISTERS TO FEND OFF ATTACKERS IN PARKING GARAGES...OR BEARS. 4.) You are 28 years old and you're complaining of sinus pressure and I ask you, "Where?" Pointing to the center of your back is not an acceptable answer. YOU DO NOT HAVE SINUS CAVITIES IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR THORACIC SPINE, THEREFORE YOU CANNOT HAVE SINUS FUCKING PRESSUE IN YOUR BACK! 5.) If your 16 year old son has a sore throat, make sure you tell his pediatrician, "Strep is going around." BECAUSE IF THEY SEE 40 SICK OR INJURED PATIENTS EACH DAY LIKE I DO..THEY WOULD BE THE LAST MOTHER FUCKER TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT "STREP IS GOING AROUND." ALERT THE MEDIA! STREP IS GOING AROUND! STREP IS GOING AROUND! STREP IS GOING AROUND 365 DAYS A YEAR. I KNOW STREP IS GOING AROUND. THANK YOU. 6.) "You have high cholesterol?" "No." "You're taking Lipitor?" "Yes, but my cholesterol level is normal since I started taking it." YOU HAVE HIGH CHOLESTEROL! DAMN! 7.) If your tooth hurts...SEE A DENTIST! IF YOU'VE BEEN TOLD YOU NEED A ROOT CANAL...YOU NEED A ROOT CANAL! DON'T COME TO ME FOR PAIN MEDICATION. ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE MAXILLARY SINUS PAIN BECAUSE THE NEXT PLACE THE INFECTION IS HEADED IS TO YOUR BRAIN! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bengalrick Posted January 31, 2007 Report Share Posted January 31, 2007 hillarious!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie_B Posted January 31, 2007 Report Share Posted January 31, 2007 [quote name='LoyalFanInGA' post='435342' date='Jan 31 2007, 04:59 PM']I'll give you some examples: [b]1.) If you're 18 years old and your left testicle hangs lower than the right...that is perfectly normal. I don't want to hear you whine about how "This is bullshit!" or "You mean I can't get this fixed?" GET WHAT FIXED? YOU'RE NORMAL. WATCH A FUCKIN' PORNO, FOR CHRIST SAKES! I'M SURE THERE IS SOME PLASTIC SURGEON WHO WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY TO MAKE YOUR SCROTUM PERFECTLY SYMMETRICAL, BUT YOU'RE NORMAL![/b] [color="#FF0000"]remember this BAB[/color] [b]2.) Urine is a sterile bodily fluid. You will not get diarrhea from drinking your wife's urine, unless she is currently suffering from a urinary tract infection. I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN HOW YOU DRANK YOUR WIFE'S URINE, BUT MAYBE THE NEXT TIME YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK AND DRIVE, JACKASS.[/b] [b]3.) If your wife gets a rash "everytime I cum on her back" do you really expect me not to laugh? SERIOUSLY! I'M THINKING, "AT LEAST IT ISN'T HER FACE, RIGHT?" THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO FOR YOUR POTENT MAN JUICE. SHE SHOULD GO TO THE DOCTOR, NOT YOU. MEANWHILE, YOU SHOULD SEE THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE TO WEAPONIZE YOUR SEMEN. OR AT LEAST MARKET IT FOR WOMEN TO CARRY IN SMALL AEROSOLIZED CANNISTERS TO FEND OFF ATTACKERS IN PARKING GARAGES...OR BEARS.[/b] [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons//24.gif[/img]:rofl:[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons//24.gif[/img]:rofl:[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons//24.gif[/img]:rofl: [b]4.) You are 28 years old and you're complaining of sinus pressure and I ask you, "Where?" Pointing to the center of your back is not an acceptable answer. YOU DO NOT HAVE SINUS CAVITIES IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR THORACIC SPINE, THEREFORE YOU CANNOT HAVE SINUS FUCKING PRESSUE IN YOUR BACK![/b] [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons//26.gif[/img] 5.) If your 16 year old son has a sore throat, make sure you tell his pediatrician, "Strep is going around." BECAUSE IF THEY SEE 40 SICK OR INJURED PATIENTS EACH DAY LIKE I DO..THEY WOULD BE THE LAST MOTHER FUCKER TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT "STREP IS GOING AROUND." ALERT THE MEDIA! STREP IS GOING AROUND! STREP IS GOING AROUND! STREP IS GOING AROUND 365 DAYS A YEAR. I KNOW STREP IS GOING AROUND. THANK YOU. 6.) "You have high cholesterol?" "No." "You're taking Lipitor?" "Yes, but my cholesterol level is normal since I started taking it." YOU HAVE HIGH CHOLESTEROL! DAMN! 7.) If your tooth hurts...SEE A DENTIST! IF YOU'VE BEEN TOLD YOU NEED A ROOT CANAL...YOU NEED A ROOT CANAL! DON'T COME TO ME FOR PAIN MEDICATION. ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE MAXILLARY SINUS PAIN BECAUSE THE NEXT PLACE THE INFECTION IS HEADED IS TO YOUR BRAIN![/quote] Thats good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm Posted January 31, 2007 Report Share Posted January 31, 2007 Is it cool to just go ahead and tell the Dr what prescription you need? Dr: what seems to be the problem? Me: Nothing that a Percocet won't cure. While you're at it can you throw a little "sizzurp" on the script? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-GoBengals- Posted February 4, 2007 Report Share Posted February 4, 2007 Hey Doc, Turns out I have a huge penis, and I have to buy size 5xl boxers to fit my penis in, but then the waste is too big and they just fall down, and end up being a weird type penis hammock. what should i do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
|Bunghole| Posted February 4, 2007 Report Share Posted February 4, 2007 I have mild kyphosis, what should I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BlackJesus Posted February 4, 2007 Report Share Posted February 4, 2007 [b]Is there a way to staple back a womans flappy pussy lips ??? ... I mean I can handle a little roast beef on the taco ... but I few chicks I have gone down on are sporting a Jumbo Arbys Sandwich. [/b] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LoyalFanInGA Posted February 4, 2007 Report Share Posted February 4, 2007 [quote name='Bunghole' post='436573' date='Feb 3 2007, 07:35 PM']I have mild kyphosis, what should I do?[/quote] If it is congenital and mild; given your age...nothing. That will be $150. You can try physical therapy, massage therapy, or chiropractic treatment if the kyphosis causes back pain. And think, "Posture, posture, posture." You should make sure the kyphosis isn't caused by osteoporosis (given that you are a white, male in your 30s this is highly unlikely) or caused by compression fractures of the thoracic spine (which is more likely due to your history of riding in Army vehicles over rugged terrain or maybe even a bad fall.) But, if you're like most people who have kyphosis at your age it is congenital or you developed it during puberty. Surgical correction of kyphosis only occurs in the most extreme cases (similar to scoliosis) or if there are neurological symptoms. These extreme cases are usually recognized during adolescence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LoyalFanInGA Posted February 4, 2007 Report Share Posted February 4, 2007 [quote name='BlackJesus' post='436580' date='Feb 3 2007, 08:07 PM'][b]Is there a way to staple back a womans flappy pussy lips ??? ... I mean I can handle a little roast beef on the taco ... but I few chicks I have gone down on are sporting a Jumbo Arbys Sandwich. [/b][/quote] There are plastic surgeons who do labial reductions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LoyalFanInGA Posted February 4, 2007 Report Share Posted February 4, 2007 [quote name='GoBengals' post='436565' date='Feb 3 2007, 07:21 PM']Hey Doc, Turns out I have a huge penis, and I have to buy size 5xl boxers to fit my penis in, but then the waste is too big and they just fall down, and end up being a weird type penis hammock. what should i do?[/quote] I think it is time you face the fact you were destined for the life of porn star. Tie it around your thigh and save the underwear money to make more Go-Bengals.com t-shirts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LoyalFanInGA Posted February 4, 2007 Report Share Posted February 4, 2007 [quote name='Storm' post='435381' date='Jan 31 2007, 06:22 PM']Is it cool to just go ahead and tell the Dr what prescription you need? Dr: what seems to be the problem? Me: Nothing that a Percocet won't cure. While you're at it can you throw a little "sizzurp" on the script?[/quote] It's cool to [i]request[/i] what you want. That doesn't mean you will necessarily get it. Some medications may require you to undergo some tests before you start taking them and to follow up with your doctor appropriately to monitor your progress. Some medications require the dose be gradually adjusted upwards when you start and adjusted downward when you stop. If the doctor feels it is an appropriate prescription, he is familiar and comfortable with the medication, and you the patient are willing to do any necessary work up or follow up...it usually isn't a problem. If today is your 15th wedding anniversary, your request is for viagra which you need [i]tonight,[/i] and your a new patient that hasn't done the necessary tests to ensure it is safe for you to take...this is you--> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
|Bunghole| Posted February 4, 2007 Report Share Posted February 4, 2007 [quote name='LoyalFanInGA' post='436584' date='Feb 3 2007, 07:13 PM']If it is congenital and mild; given your age...nothing. That will be $150. You can try physical therapy, massage therapy, or chiropractic treatment if the kyphosis causes back pain. And think, "Posture, posture, posture." You should make sure the kyphosis isn't caused by osteoporosis (given that you are a white, male in your 30s this is highly unlikely) or caused by compression fractures of the thoracic spine (which is more likely due to your history of riding in Army vehicles over rugged terrain or maybe even a bad fall.) But, if you're like most people who have kyphosis at your age it is congenital or you developed it during puberty. Surgical correction of kyphosis only occurs in the most extreme cases (similar to scoliosis) or if there are neurological symptoms. These extreme cases are usually recognized during adolescence.[/quote] I think in my case it is/was muscular. I remember the exact event, I was playing floor hockey in the gym during PE in 7th grade when I tweaked my back really hard. It never seemed to affect my ability to play sports, especially soccer, but it did alter my posture forever. I was advised by doctors that I could get a brace or have a rod installed in my spine, neither of which my parents deemed a viable option, thank God. I was told that since I was (at the time) an athelete, that I had an advantage due to greater lung expansion due to a larger than normal ribcage enclosure I was told Mark Spitz had the same affliction, and look what he did. I joined the Army and since then have largely forgotten about it, although I do sometimes experience pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LoyalFanInGA Posted February 21, 2007 Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 This week's prize winner. "Is that cough syrup a liquid?" "Yes." "Oh, I can't swallow liquids." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm Posted February 21, 2007 Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 How long does it take elbow tendinitis to fully heal? I've been suffering with this for at least 3 months and every time I think its healed I lift something or move my arm a certain way and bam its back. I can barely lift anything with my right arm and my hand gets numb from time to time, it has even affected the way I drive. Should I seek medical attention or is it a waste of time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scoutforlife591 Posted February 21, 2007 Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 I totatally love this thread so much I could ask. I'll be back later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brew Crew Grrl Posted February 21, 2007 Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 I like the patients that come into the ER with a complaint of a cough or cold then when you go into the room to examine them they tell you that there there for an STD check too [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/23.gif[/img] One complaint at a time. We had an elderly gentleman come to the ER one day with a complaint of "needs to be evaluated by a doctor". The ER doctor comes back to his desk barely able to keep a straight face. He asks for an xray of the patients abdomen due to a "foreign body in rectum". The xray comes up on the dosplay computer and there is a pretty decent sized doggy kong toy lodged large side first in his ass. When asked how the toy go there the man tells the doctor... I fell on it. Likely story [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/23.gif[/img] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie_B Posted February 21, 2007 Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 [quote name='Brew Crew Grrl' post='443891' date='Feb 21 2007, 06:44 PM']I like the patients that come into the ER with a complaint of a cough or cold then when you go into the room to examine them they tell you that there there for an STD check too [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/23.gif[/img] One complaint at a time. We had an elderly gentleman come to the ER one day with a complaint of "needs to be evaluated by a doctor". The ER doctor comes back to his desk barely able to keep a straight face. He asks for an xray of the patients abdomen due to a "foreign body in rectum". The xray comes up on the dosplay computer and there is a pretty decent sized doggy kong toy lodged large side first in his ass. When asked how the toy go there the man tells the doctor... I fell on it. Likely story [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/23.gif[/img][/quote] [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif[/img]:rofl:[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif[/img]:rofl:[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif[/img]:rofl:[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif[/img]:rofl:[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif[/img]:rofl:[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif[/img]:rofl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brew Crew Grrl Posted February 21, 2007 Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 [quote name='Jamie_B' post='443894' date='Feb 21 2007, 06:51 PM'][img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif[/img]:rofl:[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif[/img]:rofl:[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif[/img]:rofl:[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif[/img]:rofl:[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif[/img]:rofl:[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif[/img]:rofl:[/quote] I'm tellin ya... you work in an ER long enough and you'll be convinced a large majority of people in the world are complete idiots. You'll also agree that people should have to take intelligence tests and have zero questions regarding the validity of your sanity and state of mind before you're allowed to have children [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif[/img] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie_B Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 [quote name='Brew Crew Grrl' post='443899' date='Feb 21 2007, 06:57 PM']I'm tellin ya... you work in an ER long enough and you'll be convinced a large majority of people in the world are complete idiots. You'll also agree that people should have to take intelligence tests and have zero questions regarding the validity of your sanity and state of mind before you're allowed to have children [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons//24.gif[/img][/quote] See our poster YoJimbo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brew Crew Grrl Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 [quote name='Jamie_B' post='443901' date='Feb 21 2007, 07:01 PM']See our poster YoJimbo. [/quote] Ohhhh snap! That one's gonna leave a mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LoyalFanInGA Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 [quote name='Brew Crew Grrl' post='443891' date='Feb 21 2007, 06:44 PM']I like the patients that come into the ER with a complaint of a cough or cold then when you go into the room to examine them they tell you that there there for an STD check too [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/23.gif[/img] One complaint at a time.[/quote] This exact scenario happened yesterday. After a chest xray and a nebulizer treatment I'm ready to discharge the patient when he hits me with, "Oh...can I get checked for STDs?" It was almost a clean getaway. I literally had my hand on the damn door handle. And I've got less than an hour to go on my shift. [i]"Are you experiencing any signs or symptoms? Is there a reason you would like to get checked? The tests are cheaper at the Health Department since you are paying out of pocket."[/i] "Well, I've been overseas. I didn't use a condom. I've made bad choices..." That's when I notice his address on the chart. This guy has driven about 90 miles...to make sure no one (fiancee) knows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LoyalFanInGA Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 [quote name='Brew Crew Grrl' post='443891' date='Feb 21 2007, 06:44 PM']We had an elderly gentleman come to the ER one day with a complaint of "needs to be evaluated by a doctor". The ER doctor comes back to his desk barely able to keep a straight face. He asks for an xray of the patients abdomen due to a "foreign body in rectum". The xray comes up on the dosplay computer and there is a pretty decent sized doggy kong toy lodged large side first in his ass. When asked how the toy go there the man tells the doctor... I fell on it. Likely story [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/23.gif[/img][/quote] Explain to me how you can lose a half-eaten chicken wing under the fold of you left breast and not notice? Obesity is not an excuse. And tampons...if you inserted one and it disappears...the Tampon Fairy didn't come and remove it in the middle of the night unless she left a quarter under your pillow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LoyalFanInGA Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 [quote name='Storm' post='443564' date='Feb 21 2007, 06:52 AM']How long does it take elbow tendinitis to fully heal? I've been suffering with this for at least 3 months and every time I think its healed I lift something or move my arm a certain way and bam its back. I can barely lift anything with my right arm and my hand gets numb from time to time, it has even affected the way I drive. Should I seek medical attention or is it a waste of time?[/quote] I'd get it checked. Tennis elbow (lateral epicondylitis) shouldn't last 3 months with proper rest, ice, and medications like motrin or aleve. But some people's jobs require them to perform repetitive gripping and twisting motions like turning a wrench or screwdriver which prolongs the healing process. Surprisingly, many cooks get tennis elbow from lifting heavy pans all day. Tennis elbow shouldn't cause numbness (lack sensation) or paresthesia (tingling.) I would reconsider my diagnosis if a patient complained of these symptoms. Cubital tunnel syndrome can cause both elbow pain and numbness. It is similar to carpal tunnel syndrome, but occurs at the elbow ("funny bone" area) rather than the wrist. Tennis elbow causes pain on the outer portion of the elbow while cubital tunnel syndrome pain is usually felt on the inner portion of the elbow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brew Crew Grrl Posted February 23, 2007 Report Share Posted February 23, 2007 [quote name='LoyalFanInGA' post='444026' date='Feb 21 2007, 11:43 PM']Explain to me how you can lose a half-eaten chicken wing under the fold of you left breast and not notice? Obesity is not an excuse. [b]One word......... EEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!![/b] And tampons...if you inserted one and it disappears...the Tampon Fairy didn't come and remove it in the middle of the night unless she left a quarter under your pillow. [b]That's one that always baffles me. Even worse is when a used condom is pulled out[/b][/quote] patient(eating a bag of Cheetos): I have abdominal pain. doctor: So are Cheetos apparently the cure? We used to have a psych patient that would swallow random things. They hung her xray in the hallway one time and she had a hoop earring hooked in the back of her throat, three batteries in her belly, along with a couple straight pins and paper clips. It must be a pain in the arse to get her through security checks at the airport Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LoyalFanInGA Posted February 28, 2007 Report Share Posted February 28, 2007 This week's winning contestant: an elderly daughter brings her even more elderly and nearly blind mother in because the mother is complaining of a "rash." Quick inspection of her skin reveals an irregular bronze tint to her skin on her hands, forearms, and lower extremities. Review of medications doesn't reveal a likely culprit for a drug reaction. After disrobing, no apparent bronze tint is visible on the patient's back where she cannot reach. Inspection of clothing reveals bronze tint is also visible on some of her articles of clothing. The bronze tint is easily removed from the surface of her skin with an alcohol swab revealing normal underlying skin pigmentation. LoyalFanInGA...miracle worker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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