AmishBengalFan Posted November 9, 2014 Report Share Posted November 9, 2014 Lifted from: http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/2014/11/7/7173175/jason-campbell-serial-coach-killer Jason Campbell, serial coach killer Last night we saw the beginning stages of a plan from the NFL's most diabolical criminal mastermind, Jason Campbell. Semi-professional private detective PFT Commneter is on the case. We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed. If you're a NFL head coach and you hire Jason Campbell to be your backup quarterback I've got some bad news for you: you fucked up. For the past 5 consecutive years, Jason Cambell's head coach has gotten the axe at the end of the season. He's a serial coach killer. Jack the ripper Ted Bundy John Wayne Gacy, Charles Manson, Aaron Hernandez, Jeffrey Dahmer, and the Boston Strangler all worship at the alter of Jason Campbells ability. The man is so effecient that he can get a coach fired without even playing a snap of football folks. As much as you hate it, you have to tip your cap to his ruthless abilty. Im known to be a bit of a detective in my spare time- Im like that movie with Jake Gyllenhall where hes a reporter who gets obsessed with helping police catch a murderer, or that other movie with Jake Gyllenhall where hes a photographer who gets obsessed with helping police catch a murderer. The bottom line is Im tenacous, and after years of tracking him, Im finally ready to lay out my case against the most violent coach killer in the history of Modern Football. May I present to you... Law & Order: Jason Campbell Victim #1. Jim Zorn - 2009 Like most seriel coach killers Jason worked his way up to killing head coaches. He started small as a kid, torturing and leaving behind a trail of Offense of coordinators at Auburn, going through 4 in his 4 years there. Despite all the warning sings, these incidents were never investgated and he was selected in the first round of the 2006 NFL Draft. He calmed down for a while after going to Washington DC and layed low. He was described as a quiet guy who kept to himself by every one who met him, and was nurtured under the tutelage of a strong Christian Man Joe Gibbs who kept Campbells demons at bay. But after Gibbs retired, Jim Zorn came in and something in Jason snapped. You never want to blame someone for there own murder but Zorn was kindve asking for it. His probably atheistic viewpoint and a overall lack of structure caused something in Jason to snap. Zorn was likable enough, sure, but his reputaton as a players coach led Campbell to take full advantage, and unleased the demon that Campbell had inside all along. There was no turning back for Campbell who had his first taste of blood. Mike Shanahan got brougt in to clean up the mess that Jason had so clumisly left behind. But Shanahan is like a old irish cop whose seen his fair share of crimes seens,,and the crafty old veteran coach had been face to face with death incarnate before, he could sense somthing was off about Campbell from the word go, so out of selfpreservaton he shipped Campbells ass out of town to Oakland. Victim # 2. Tom Cable - 2010 The hooks were allready deep into Campbell when he went out to the west coast, and Campbell spotted the perfect crime: Killing the Cable Guy. Pretty fitting that Cable got murdered despite fufilling on his promise to arrive somewhere between 8-8 folks. It takes a specal skill to get a coach fired who goes 6-0 in the divison and is so univeraly loved that he spends he free hours at the team facilty punching the other coaches in the face, but Campbell couldnt help himself. The bastard was sick and he knew it. Victim # 3. Hue Jackson - 2011 Heres where Jason starts to slip up and got careless and orignally drew my attenton as a investigator for the first time. You dont crap where you eat folks. You NEVER return to the scene of the crime thats Serial Killer 101 which are coincidently the respective grades Campbell must of got each time he took the Wonderlic, because this was a stupid misstake. After Coachkilling Cable Campbell should of played it safe and pushed for a trade to like the Bills or Titans or somewhere like that but he screwed up and started to leave clues behind in Oakland. The stars on your captains logo are like the stars in GTA for Cambell and once he had two on there he knew he needed to duck the heat, and fast. So he probably faked his collarbone injure to set up a patsy like Carson Palmer to take the fall for him. Its almost to perfect. After barely getting away with it he stole away in the dark to Chicago where he met a partner in crime. Victim # 4. Lovie Smith - 2012 Now its no secret Im a big fan of Showtimes "Dexter" specially the last season. One thing that show taught me besides the importance of allways making a big deal out of eating breakfast was that a serial killer should ALLWAYS work alone,, and as I tracked Campbell on his escape to Chicago a chill went up my spine. He was going to be teamed up with Jay Cutler. That name seemed familiar to me so I went back in my archives and microfish and my blood ran cold- this was the very same Cutler that had killed Coach Shanahan just 4 years ago. It was like they were about to unite the Zodiac killer with another Zodiac killer with a much worse completon percentage. I hopped on the next flight I could afford to Chicago to warn there police that there was about to be a murder, but it took me like a year to save up for the ticket and by that time it was to late. Sure Campbell started only one game in Chicago but thats not he point. He was obvously in cahoots with Cutler on this one that is a fact. The cops were allways going to have a hard time pinning this one on Jason and Jay without a full confesson because it was basicaly assisted suicide with Lovie. Smith never met a challenge call he didnt like, love, get pregnant, renew his vows with in a awkward cermony in front of family friends that dont care, send two kids to college with, and then divorce because he was cheating on her with 3rd quarter timeouts. He sucked at challenges is what im getting at here. Victim #5. Rob Chudzinki - 2013 This was a crime of convenice, it was basicaly childs play for Campbell. Basicaly Chud was a hitchiker on the highway: A old truck driver thumbing a ride who was to poor to afford gas after he got swindled out of his rebates. Campbell coudnt help but pick him up. Jason even had offers from other teams but this was to good to pass up. Cleveland had hired something called a "Rob Chudzinki" and heres a fact- a man with the last name "Chudzinksi" has never held a job for longer then 9 months. Add in the fact that it was the Browns, and this one was the equivlent of Campbell taking a job at a nursing home where there was no video cameras and no reletives ever came to visit. He gradually poisoned Chud everyday by making him watch film of Brandon Weeden until Chud was so sick that Haslam had to do the right thing as a owner and have him put down. Diabolical for sure, but also very calculated. And now for his final Act: Victim #6. Marvin Lewis- the old socialite without a heir - 2014 By this point all the writing is on the wall for Jason "The Black Widow" Campbell, so Jason says he might as well go big time with it and take out the biggest target of his career. He wants to kill the unkillable. Such arrogants and hubris from Campbell thinking he can finish the job that even John Kitna and Ryan Fitzpatrick werent even able to do. He wants to get Marvin Lewis fired. I know I know, it sounds impossible. Lewis is the alltime winningest head coach in the history of Cincinatti- a town where up untill the late 90s, managing to to have 50% of your sports owners not be active members of the Nazi party was seen as a victory. But last night we saw Campbells plan taking shape. Andy Dalton had the wrost quaterback performance in the history of organized sports and it was all Jason Campbells fault. You see- Campbells greatest trick was playing so poorly in practice all the time that Andy Dalton looked like a franchise QB and Marvin Lewis coudnt help but give Dalton a massive contract that directly pinned his own job securty on the success of the young redhead. Make no mistake about it- convincing Marvin Lewis that Andy Dalton is a Elite QB by comparison is Jason Campbells masterstroke- his Red Hairing designed to pin all the blame for Lewises eventual demise. If we all dont remain vigilent and call this what it is, Marvin Lewis will be the next victim and Campbell will be once again gone without a trace, most likely on the next boxcar down to San Diego. But Im going to be hot on his trail like allways. And one day, Im gonna nail the bastard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
big_dish Posted November 9, 2014 Report Share Posted November 9, 2014 I hope Campbell takes more pride in this mission than the starting players on this team take in their jobs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elijah15 Posted November 9, 2014 Report Share Posted November 9, 2014 LMAO OH SHIT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rumble In the Jungle Posted November 9, 2014 Report Share Posted November 9, 2014 I hope the trend continues Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JC Posted November 9, 2014 Report Share Posted November 9, 2014 *crosses fingers* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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