The Ex-Lax Assistant Coach Hall of Shame

[Chris Henrys Dealer]

Looking at the assistant coaches we have today, it’s a shock when you see that they actually interview for other positions. The shock being that other teams actually consider them good. Props to Marvin for selecting some good talent.

Now, let us consider some of the absolute stinkers of assistants…that have coached players here in the dark days of our history. There was that term used back in the 90’s…that a player might have had talent, but he had become “Bengaled”…with coaches like this…no wonder….

Again, this is only assistants…

5. Kim Wood…(50 B.C – 2002, strength coach) the man was here from the time of the Last Supper. He was a disaster in the 90’s. I remember reading articles that he was hated by the players. When you look at some of the lazy lard asses we had back in the day…maybe it was a case of these guys hating him so much that they chose to stay away. This guy was so old fashioned, that he made “Mickey” from Rocky look cutting edge. The only shock is that he never had our D chasing chickens. Maybe he did? I dunno. Little wonder that the first thing that Marvin did was to force him into “retirement” and tell Mikey to upgrade our broke-ass YMCA type gym.

4. Larry Peccatiello. (Defensive Co-Ordinator, 1994 – 1997). LP ran our D during the glorious Dave Shula years…during that era we finished respectively 26,24,23,27 in terms of points conceded. We couldn’t get a sniff of a quarterback and we got scored on more than Paris Hilton. LP was the man behind that famous decision to rush 3 lineman against Favre in the game in 1995. 8 seconds left till halftime, Green Bay were trailing 10-3, they had the ball at our 13. Needless to say, with no pass rush, Brett Favre had enough time back there to fake a prescription of vicodin for himself, make a grilled cheese and then find Mark Ingram as time expired to even the score. We lost that game 24-10. I think this D was so bad, that even after LP left they were hungover…managing to finish 30th and 31st in points conceded under Lebeau in ’98 and ’99. LP went on to find some success with Bobby Ross in Detroit…maybe he didn’t have the personnel here…but his play calling sucked.

3. Ray Horton. (97-’00, Defensive Backs) This guy was brought into replace Ron Meeks at DB coach, who was pretty disastrous in his own right. Ray Horton designed a complex scheme that was guaranteed to give up 300 yards passing. Trademarks of his patented scheme included defenders giving up after 10 yards…safeties colliding into each other in mid field…and falling for every single pump fake any QB put up. I remember playing fantasy football during these years and picking up receivers weekly going against us as I knew they’d put up career numbers. “The Horton Effect”

2. Jim Lippincott (Player Personnel 1776 – 2002) Ehhh, he’s not an assistant coach in the true sense, but he was an assistant to MB. This guy has to shoulder the blame for so much of the 90s. Lets see…Plan B debuts and he has no idea how it works. We lose 15 players and sign 3. Max Montoya is allowed to walk, as old Jim believes he will stay out of loyalty. He also thinks that Montoya will accept his cheap ass contract offer. Besides that, bad drafts, prolonged contract negotiations, players jumping ship at any chance…all thanks to my man Jim.

1. The Honorable Al “Eliijah” Roberts. (Special Teams 1997-2002) If you look up the definition of human disaster in the encyclopedia, Al Roberts is there. It’s fairly shocking that his reign of terror lasted 5 years. Was he brought in just cos he knew Dillon from Washington? Anyway, where can you start with him…there were so many disasters during his time. Let’s see….game against Detroit…Larry Foster rips off a punt and a kickoff against us for a TD. In total he aggregates 227 yards on returns. The only reason we win this game is because Scott “Water Buffalo” Mitchell throws the ball straight to Corey Sawyer in OT. This play costs Mitchell his job in Detroit…but he goes onto find a new one….in CINCY!!!

Game against Dallas… Tim Seder (another former school teacher I believe, phys. Ed) the kicker for the Philadelphia Soul is a familiar name for Bengals fans. He was the Cowboys kicker in that game when Dallas pretended to kick a field goal…Al has us line up in some terrible wide formation…no one in the middle, the Dallas line surged forward and parted our D the way Moses parted the Red Sea…and Seder waltzed into the end zone untouched.

It was one thing for backs to have huge games against us…when the friggin kicker on other teams could peel of 15 yards untouched…you know you had problems.

Besides returns, the honorable Al Roberts also found time to destroy two kickers in his time here…Rackers and Dorsch.

God was so angry with the state of his coaching that he sent a Tornado in 1999 to destroy Robert’s house.

[img]http://www.enquirer.com/editions/1999/04/09/roberts_600x380.jpg[/img]

Seriously, when he was finally booted here, our Special Teams were the worst ranked by a mile in the NFL. It really makes you appreciate the job Darrin Simmons has done since taking over.

Who are other guys who stunk up the joint here? I only really started following games in the early 90’s, so I’m probably missing some dudes from before. Any real bad assistants that stick out to you folks?

Like I said, reading about these disasters makes you breath a huge sigh of relief when you consider our assistants now.

[Guest Master Shake]

Haha...hilarious! There's plenty of blame to go around.

[Guest BlackJesus]

Note to self.... Never go back in time to Bengals Football in the 90's
[img]http://www.ghostofaflea.com/archives/1983.gif[/img]

[whodeybengal]

crazy that you bring up Tim Seder...he was my gym coach at Lucas High School. hes about 5'4"-5'6" but he could still dunk. i beleive he's out of the nfl now and teaching at Ashland University(in northern ohio)

[Chris Henrys Dealer]

[quote name='whodeybengal' date='May 27 2005, 02:46 AM']crazy that you bring up Tim Seder...he was my gym coach at Lucas High School.  hes about 5'4"-5'6" but he could still dunk. i beleive he's out of the nfl now and teaching at Ashland University(in northern ohio)
[right][post="96835"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post][/right][/quote]

He's also the kicker for the Philly Soul Arena Football Franchise.

[Cricket]

[quote name='Stanley Wilson's Dealer' date='May 26 2005, 09:35 PM']God was so angry with the state of his coaching that he sent a [b]hurricane[/b] in 1999 to destroy Robert’s house. [right][post="96752"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post][/right][/quote]


Tornado.



[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/26.gif[/img]

[Guest steggyD]

[quote name='Stanley Wilson's Dealer' date='May 26 2005, 10:35 PM']This play costs Mitchell his job in Detroit…but he goes onto find a new one….in CINCY!!![right][post="96752"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post][/right][/quote]
I love this right here, well, I hate it.

But it's freakin' hillarious nonetheless...

[img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/24.gif[/img]

[Chris Henrys Dealer]

[img]http://www.cheddarheads.co.uk/nfl/usa02/pics/us02180.jpg[/img]

Another well designed special teams play BY Al Roberts


(THANK THE POWERS THAT BE FOR DARREN SIMMONS)

[The Scales]

Kenny Anderson



Thank god he couldn't lay his mitts on Carson.

[Jason]

[quote name='The Scales' date='Sep 1 2005, 03:39 PM']Kenny Anderson
Thank god he couldn't lay his mitts on Carson.
[right][post="140016"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post][/right][/quote]

It's not fair to lay much blame on Kenny. He didn't have much to work with.

[tracenuts]

[quote name='Stanley Wilson's Dealer' date='May 26 2005, 09:35 PM']God was so angry with the state of his coaching that he sent a Tornado in 1999 to destroy Robert’s house.

[img]http://www.enquirer.com/editions/1999/04/09/roberts_600x380.jpg[/img]

Seriously, when he was finally booted here, our Special Teams were the worst ranked by a mile in the NFL. It really makes you appreciate the job Darrin Simmons has done since taking over.[right][post="96752"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post][/right][/quote]

that was right down the street from my old house. my mom always told me there was a bengals coach that lived down the street but she didn't know his name....mabye its cuz he sucked so bad no one knew who he was

[Chris Henrys Dealer]

Sad to say, but unless there is material improvement this year, I think the Hayes Brothers could merit some consideration. They will never make this list...but mentioning them as candidates won't seem so far fetched.

[TheWretchedMass]

It's time to replace the Hayes brother who coaches the D-line.

So many different DCs, so many different players, so many positions changes and NONE of it has worked. Our D STILL ranks near the bottom.

The one common factor in all of that crap?

Hayes.

Anyone remember a play where our punter actually punted the damn ball BACKWARDS??? Kick that goddamn thing backwards over his head....How much talent does that take?

[Cricket]

[quote name='Chris Henrys Dealer' post='271929' date='May 23 2006, 08:59 AM']Sad to say, but unless there is material improvement this year, [b]I think the Hayes Brothers could merit some consideration[/b]. They will never make this list...but mentioning them as candidates won't seem so far fetched.[/quote]


For the "Assistant Coach Hall of Shame" list or the "Tornado" list?







[...checks to see how close I live to said coaches...]

[lslmustang]

I thought Kenny Anderson was a terrible OC. He actually was calling plays when LeBeau was HC wasn't he? I loved him as a player, but never liked him as a coach. He tried to make everyone play in his same style. Our old offense strategy was to fit the player to the offense, regardless of their talents, instead of morphing the offense to the talent of the players.

[-GoBengals-]

why do people keep digging up old ass threads?



as far as the hayes's's's, is marvin blind? favors them cuase they are pretty?



how long can hypocrites recite:

"IN MARVIN I TRUST..except the defense, i know way more about defensive football than marvin, and ours sucks"

[Guest Claptonrocks]

[quote name='GoBengals' post='272294' date='May 23 2006, 08:45 PM']why do people keep digging up old ass threads?



as far as the hayes's's's, is marvin blind? favors them cuase they are pretty?



how long can hypocrites recite:

"IN MARVIN I TRUST..except the defense, i know way more about defensive football than marvin, and ours sucks"

[/quote]

yes the Hayes Bros have done an outstanding job with the tight ends and defensive line....
Marvn may not be but some are.

[-GoBengals-]

[quote name='Claptonrocks' post='272298' date='May 23 2006, 08:49 PM']yes the Hayes Bros have done an outstanding job with the tight ends and defensive line....
Marvn may not be but some are.[/quote]

our tight ends have been less than a threat on offense, but we dont know if thats because of lack of talent, lack of coaching, or lack of need/implementing them via bratkowski, as you may have noticed, that position wasnt address again with any importance in the draft or FA, 80% of your playmakers on defense are in the back field, LB's and DB's, there are some dominant moster DE's and DT's in the league, but not many, and not having one, doesnt mean your screwed, it means you need talent and knowledge at the LB and DN positions, our LB's are super talented, but need knowledge, and as long as joseph turns out, we have secured the talent in the DB area as well. as long as our d-line is average and allow sofr the LB's to make plays, they are just dandy, you cant coach justin smith to be dwight freeney, just like you cant coach kitna to be palmer. until marvin pulls a plug somewhere, the coaches and players in place are doing fine by me. i actually watch the games instead of trying to think up clever defensive player jokes and i think marvin does too.

[CatScratchFever]

Lippincott was my study hall proctor in high school. He even sucked at that. Isn't he still associated with the team in some way?

[|Lucid|]

[quote name='CatScratchFever' post='272306' date='May 23 2006, 09:04 PM']Lippincott was my study hall proctor in high school. He even sucked at that. Isn't he still associated with the team in some way?[/quote]

Lippincott is the Director of Football Operations...