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Here are the THREE BIG RULES regarding sports loyalty, per ESPN's Bill Simmons:

 

RULE NUMBER ONE:  If you live in a city that has fielded a professional team since your formative years, you have to root for that team.

 

None of this, "The Bengals weren't very good when I was growing up in Cincy, so I became a Cowboys fan" crap. Also, you can't start rooting for a team, back off when they're in a down cycle, then renew the relationship once the team starts winning again. All those Cowboys fans who jumped off the bandwagon in the late-'80s, jumped back on during the Emmitt/Aikman Era, then jumped back off in the late-'90s ... you know who you are. You shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

 

(There's nothing worse than a Bandwagon Jumper. If sports were a prison and sports fans made up all the prisoners, the Bandwagon Jumpers would be like the child molesters -- everyone else would pick on them, take turns beating them up and force them to toss more salads than Emeril Lagasse.)

 

RULE NUMBER TWO: Once you choose a team, you're stuck with that team for the rest of your life

 

The only exceptions are:

- Your team moves to another city. All bets are off when that happens. In fact, if you decided to turn off that sport entirely, nobody would blame you.

- You grew up in a city that didn't field a team for a specific sport -- so you picked a random team -- and then either a.) your city landed a team, or b.) you moved to a city that fielded a team for that specific sport. For instance, one of my Connecticut buddies rooted for the Sixers during the Doctor J Era, then happened to be living in Orlando when the Magic came to town. Now he's a Magic fan. That's acceptable.

- One of your immediate family members either plays professionally or takes a relevant management/coaching/front office position with a pro team.

- You follow your favorite college star (and this has to be a once-in-a-generation favorite college star) to the pros and root for his team du jour ... like if you were a UNC fan for the past 20 years, and you rooted for the Bulls (because of MJ) and then the Raptors (because of Vince). Only works if there isn't a pro team in your area.

- The owner of your favorite team treated his fans so egregiously over the years that you couldn't take it anymore -- you would rather not follow them at all then support a franchise with this owner in charge. Just for the record, I reached this point with the Boston Bruins about six years ago. When it happens, you have two options: You can either renounce that team and pick someone else, or you can pretend they're dead, like you're a grieving widow. That's what I do. I'm an NHL widow. I don't even want to date another team.

 

If you're between the ages of 20-40, you're a fan of the Yankees, Cowboys, Braves, Raiders, Steelers, Celtics, Lakers, Bulls, Canadiens and/or Oilers, and you're not actually from those one of those cities ... well, you better have a reason that goes beyond "When I was picking a favorite team as a kid, they were the best team, so I picked them."  At least give me a reason like "Reggie Jackson was my favorite player growing up," or "I always liked the red Bulls uniforms," or even "Everyone in my gang wore Raiders colors." Do you really want to be known as a bona fide Bandwagon Jumper?

 

RULE NUMBER THREE: If you hail from New York, you can't root for the Yankees and the Mets. You have to choose between them.

 

Repeat: You have to choose between them. Don't give me this "As long as one of them is doing well, at least New York is winning" spiels. What is this, the sports fan's version of bisexuality? How about making a choice? Any New Yorker who said the words "It's the Yankees versus the Mets ... I can't lose!" during the 2000 World Series deserves to be tortured with a cattle prod.

 

Same goes for Ohio - you cannot root for the state's oldest team (Cincinnati) and the state's youngest team (Cleveland) at the same time. 

 

Linky: http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/020227

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Simmons' article also says:

You can't purchase a "blank" authentic jersey from your favorite team with no name on the back, then stick your own name and number on the jersey ... well, unless you want to be an enormous dork.

 

I disagree.  I have had too many "dead" jerseys hanging in my closet for too many years.  80/Warrick   9/Palmer   85/Ochocinco    28/Dillon.  The Dillon has only recently been released from purgatory, but the other three are still unwearable.  I ended up getting them replated (as you can see in my .sig below).

 

After decades of loyal support, I've discovered that the only constant thing about my love for the Bengals is ME.  I'm certainly not playing for them, but in a sense I feel as if I am a part of the team.  Players and coaches may come and go, but I will always be here.  As a Father's Day gift many years ago, Mrs. ABF bought my son and I matching jerseys.  Mine is 62/Buzzard (my birth year), and ABF Jr's is 01/Buzzard (his birth year).  It was fantastic!  And it made me realize that it's perfectly okay to put my own handle on the back of MY jersey, because I will always be here.  So I now have a 0/Amish and an 11/Joplin to go with my 62/Buzzard, and I'm quite happy about it.

 

I've sworn off buying jerseys with current player names on them.  Too expensive and too risky in case they turn out to be dicks, flops, or get cut/fired/suspended. 

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