I need some support

[gatorclaws]

I'm in a real bad place and don't really know what to do. I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years. I graduated last may and she was supposed to graduate this may but decided to stay and get her masters degree at Purdue. The long distance relationship is very tough but we talk a lot on the phone and I get to see her 3-4 times a month. We've talked a lot about getting married and both wanted it but now all of a sudden she says that she isn't sure anymore and needs time to think. It's really killing me and I don't know what to do.

There are a lot of issues complicating the issue and I'm having a hard time seeing why she's taken this step back. One thing is that I took a job up in Columbus in January but then left that job and came back to Cincinnati a short time after. She feels like I gave in too early and she's upset that she wasn't able to help me work through my issues there. Her feeling is that since she wasn't able to help me then, she won't be able to help me in the future. The long distance stuff also adds a lot of stress to our relationship. Some of her friends have started to get engaged and I think she's panicing a bit.

The hardest part is that I was going to buy a diamond today but now obviously I don't know if I should. Anyone been through a similar situation that can give me some advice?

[Ben]

[quote name='gatorclaws' post='511310' date='Jul 16 2007, 12:14 PM']I'm in a real bad place and don't really know what to do. I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years. I graduated last may and she was supposed to graduate this may but decided to stay and get her masters degree at Purdue. The long distance relationship is very tough but we talk a lot on the phone and I get to see her 3-4 times a month. We've talked a lot about getting married and both wanted it but now all of a sudden she says that she isn't sure anymore and needs time to think. It's really killing me and I don't know what to do.

There are a lot of issues complicating the issue and I'm having a hard time seeing why she's taken this step back. One thing is that I took a job up in Columbus in January but then left that job and came back to Cincinnati a short time after. She feels like I gave in too early and she's upset that she wasn't able to help me work through my issues there. Her feeling is that since she wasn't able to help me then, she won't be able to help me in the future. The long distance stuff also adds a lot of stress to our relationship. Some of her friends have started to get engaged and I think she's panicing a bit.

The hardest part is that I was going to buy a diamond today but now obviously I don't know if I should. Anyone been through a similar situation that can give me some advice?[/quote]

She is just PMS'ing, dont worry.

[CatScratchFever]

If you buy a ring now, you're not lovestruck, you're stupid.

Be a man and quit whining. There are lots of other fish in the sea. If she doesn't want you, then to hell with her. She's not who you thought she was. Get over it, and get out and bone some other chicks.

I can hear you now... "But, but... I [i]love[/i] her." Fuck that. If she felt the same way there'd be no doubt in her mind. These other things she says are just excuses she's made up in her head to make her feel better. It has nothing to do with you. The reality is that you've come to a crossroads and she's already made a decision. It doesn't matter why.

Turn the tables on her. Tell her fine, go take your time to think. Meanwhile you'll be in Vegas banging strippers and blowing the money you were going to spend on her ring. I'm serious. Tell her that. If she comes running back to you, she'll be yours forever. If not... then it was never going to happen in the first place.

I know from personal experience that long distance relationships are a waste of time and effort. They very seldom work out in the long run. And when you finally do close the distance between you, you find that you both have changed enough through your differing experiences that your relationship will never be the same again anyway.

In conclusion: Be a man. Dump the bitch.

[Jamie_B]

The unexplained backing away likely means she has met someone else, I'm afraid. Hope thats not the case, but it usually is.

[Guest BlackJesus]

[font="Arial Narrow"][size=3][b]- Don't buy the ring

- Have an honest discussion with her about where you two stand [/b][/size][/font]

[Jamie_B]

[quote name='BlackJesus' post='511321' date='Jul 16 2007, 01:02 PM'][font="Arial Narrow"][size=3][b]- Don't buy the ring

- Have an honest discussion with her about where you two stand [/b][/size][/font][/quote]


agreed

[Jason]

[quote name='gatorclaws' post='511310' date='Jul 16 2007, 12:14 PM']I'm in a real bad place and don't really know what to do. I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years. I graduated last may and she was supposed to graduate this may but decided to stay and get her masters degree at Purdue. The long distance relationship is very tough but we talk a lot on the phone and I get to see her 3-4 times a month. We've talked a lot about getting married and both wanted it but now all of a sudden she says that she isn't sure anymore and needs time to think. It's really killing me and I don't know what to do.

There are a lot of issues complicating the issue and I'm having a hard time seeing why she's taken this step back. One thing is that I took a job up in Columbus in January but then left that job and came back to Cincinnati a short time after. She feels like I gave in too early and she's upset that she wasn't able to help me work through my issues there. Her feeling is that since she wasn't able to help me then, she won't be able to help me in the future. The long distance stuff also adds a lot of stress to our relationship. Some of her friends have started to get engaged and I think she's panicing a bit.

The hardest part is that I was going to buy a diamond today but now obviously I don't know if I should. Anyone been through a similar situation that can give me some advice?[/quote]

You're, what, 23 or 24? I know what it's like to be "young and in love". And I know how it is when that doesn't go well. Here's my best advice for you. DO NOT buy a ring now. I would even suggest you guys separate until she is out of school. Long distance relationships are very difficult. If, once she is out of school, life brings you back together, and you are both still single, consider it then. But talk openly and honestly about what is going on first.

But in the next 2 or 3 years you are going to grow and change. And even if you don't, I promise you she will.

Get your career on track, finish growing up (which will happen intop your late 20s at least for most people) have fun, and then worry about getting serious.

[Rumble In the Jungle]

[quote name='Jamie_B' post='511318' date='Jul 16 2007, 12:58 PM']The unexplained backing away likely means she has met someone else, I'm afraid. Hope thats not the case, but it usually is.[/quote]


[b]Zing [/b]

[Guest oldschooler]

My Grandma use to have a saying, and I try to pass on her words of wisdom whenever possible.

"There`s a fine line between love and stupid, so you better look down and see where you`re
standing every once in awhile."


Sometimes you think you`re in love, and you`re just being stupid.

You fall in love with someone because of how they make you feel about yourself.
You dream of a future with them. You don`t see yourself with anyone else
but them. Sometimes, things change, and you`re to busy thinking of how
you wanted things to be, to see how they really are.

Talk to her. Don`t hold back. Say what your heart feels. If she doesn`t
make you feel loved in return, then you`re standing in a pile of stupid.

I think you know where you stand now though . . .

[Guest bengalrick]

[quote name='CatScratchFever' post='511316' date='Jul 16 2007, 12:56 PM']If you buy a ring now, you're not lovestruck, you're stupid.

Be a man and quit whining. There are lots of other fish in the sea. If she doesn't want you, then to hell with her. She's not who you thought she was. Get over it, and get out and bone some other chicks.

I can hear you now... "But, but... I [i]love[/i] her." Fuck that. If she felt the same way there'd be no doubt in her mind. These other things she says are just excuses she's made up in her head to make her feel better. It has nothing to do with you. The reality is that you've come to a crossroads and she's already made a decision. It doesn't matter why.

Turn the tables on her. Tell her fine, go take your time to think. Meanwhile you'll be in Vegas banging strippers and blowing the money you were going to spend on her ring. I'm serious. Tell her that. If she comes running back to you, she'll be yours forever. If not... then it was never going to happen in the first place.

I know from personal experience that long distance relationships are a waste of time and effort. They very seldom work out in the long run. And when you finally do close the distance between you, you find that you both have changed enough through your differing experiences that your relationship will never be the same again anyway.

In conclusion: Be a man. Dump the bitch.[/quote]

99% agreed...

though instead of using the "screwing hookers in vegas" line, i'd use something more like "see other people while i think about it"

the hooker line would never work, so you only use that if you want out of the relationship asap... you definately need the bait, but you don't need that much bait


was the fact that she was staying to get her masters talked about a lot before she did it, or did it just kind of happen?

[Guest CincyInDC]

Having a relationship with a woman is like buying a used car. You have to be prepared to walk away from the deal, otherwise you're going to get screwed. And even then you might get screwed anyway.

[USN Bengal]

[quote name='gatorclaws' post='511310' date='Jul 16 2007, 12:14 PM']I'm in a real bad place and don't really know what to do. I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years. I graduated last may and she was supposed to graduate this may but decided to stay and get her masters degree at Purdue. The long distance relationship is very tough but we talk a lot on the phone and I get to see her 3-4 times a month. We've talked a lot about getting married and both wanted it but now all of a sudden she says that she isn't sure anymore and needs time to think. It's really killing me and I don't know what to do.

There are a lot of issues complicating the issue and I'm having a hard time seeing why she's taken this step back. One thing is that I took a job up in Columbus in January but then left that job and came back to Cincinnati a short time after. She feels like I gave in too early and she's upset that she wasn't able to help me work through my issues there. Her feeling is that since she wasn't able to help me then, she won't be able to help me in the future. The long distance stuff also adds a lot of stress to our relationship. Some of her friends have started to get engaged and I think she's panicing a bit.

The hardest part is that I was going to buy a diamond today but now obviously I don't know if I should. Anyone been through a similar situation that can give me some advice?[/quote]

BJ gave you the best advice so far IMHO...

Be a man is right, or better yet, be an adult and have a face to face honest conversation to be sure where you both stand. If you do truly love her, then the best thing to do might be to let her go... but I wouldn't make any decisions until you can look her in the eye and get the feel for where your relationship is at.

Now a message for those who like poetry and gratuitous violence...

Remember the old saying;

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be."

or if you're of the more dark side...

"If you love something set it free... if it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it!"



[i]I'll be here all week, try the veal, tip your waitress![/i]

[gatorclaws]

We are really good at sitting down and having honest converations and we did have one about this. She says she justs wants time to think but I'm worried she's just being nice. I KNOW that there isn't another guy, so I'm not worried on that aspect.

[Guest oldschooler]

[quote name='gatorclaws' post='511362' date='Jul 16 2007, 01:47 PM']We are really good at sitting down and having honest converations and we did have one about this. [b]She says she justs wants time to think[/b] but I'm worried she's just being nice. I KNOW that there isn't another guy, so I'm not worried on that aspect.[/quote]



What`s to think about ? When you love someone, and want to spend
the rest of your life with them, you know it. You don`t have to take
time to think about it.


Dump her, before she dumps you. That way it will hurt less,
and if she really cares, she`ll beg you to come back (probably
only so she can do the dumping later though) . . .

[Guest ONYX]

[color="#FF0000"][b]Gatorclaws,

I treat my women like postage stamps. I lick 'em, stick 'em and send dey asses away.
Go to a titty bar, it will clear your mind and you will feel better.





But seriously, tell her how you feel, man. Just remember, as much as you care about her,
if it is not meant to be for you two to be together, it's not the end of the world. Life goes on.

It will hurt if you guys part ways, but time will heal the wounds and you will find someone else.

Either way, keep your head up, be strong and believe everything will work out for the best in the
long run.[/b][/color]

[Guest BlackJesus]

[quote name='USNBENGAL the Original' post='511358' date='Jul 16 2007, 02:35 PM']BJ gave you the best advice so far IMHO...[/quote]


[font="Arial Narrow"][size=3][b]I like the way that looks in print [/b][/size][/font]

[Jason]

[quote name='gatorclaws' post='511362' date='Jul 16 2007, 02:47 PM']We are really good at sitting down and having honest converations and we did have one about this. She says she justs wants time to think but [b]I'm worried she's just being nice[/b]. I KNOW that there isn't another guy, so I'm not worried on that aspect.[/quote]

Tell her that. And ask her to respect you enough as a healthy man to be totally honest with you.

And how do you [b]KNOW[/b] it isn't another guy?

[Guest BlackJesus]

[font="Arial Narrow"][size=3][b]
Further advice ...


- Never assure yourself that there isn't someone else ... this is the first step to getting cheated on. There is always someone else waiting to pounce , usually however people don't take the opportunity and remain faithful.

- If a woman is worth marrying and committing your life too ... then she should be worth altering your life plans for. If this girl is not someone who would pick up and move for or change your career plans for = then you have no business marrying her anyway. Also if she wants to spend her life with you - she would also be flexible in making drastic changes.

- Long distance relationships fail 98 % of the time. (don't feel bad though, close distance relationships fail about 70 %) .... Love if true will overcome that obstacle of distance and erase it. If the distance remains and even grows ... the relationship is not headed in the right direction.

- Be honest with her ... ask her if she would be willing to alter her life plans for you ? judge her response .... if she is reluctant - then she is not the one for you. [/b][/size][/font]

[|Bengal Migration|]

I get the feeling we don't know all of the facts about you leaving Columbus...

Here's the deal. Simply be honest with her. If it works out now, great. If it needs more time, so be it.

I married young, to a woman who I thought shared my every thought and understanding. Strangely enough, she left me when she was about 23, which I'm guessing is about the age of your girl.

Don't force it. If you two are on the same page, and everything fits, fantastic. If not, ( I know this will sound trite) don't sweat it. Let her go and see what's to be. If you two find yourselves together, it's likely meant to be. If not, you've saved yourself amazing heartache of splitting after a marriage.

And believe me, there is life after the first big long term relationship. My ex broke my heart and then some. But my Mrs is 1000000x the woman that she was, and I'm happier than I ever could have been with her. Take your time. When the right woman appears, you will know it. Until then, just let it happen.

[Jamie_B]

I wonder what Kige Ramsey would do? [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/39.gif[/img]

[|Bengal Migration|]

[quote name='Jamie_B' post='511383' date='Jul 16 2007, 08:20 PM']I wonder what Kige Ramsey would do? [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/39.gif[/img][/quote]
smack his girlfriend/cousin/sister/step mother and put hat bitch in her place!

[Jamie_B]

[quote name='WhoDeyUK' post='511384' date='Jul 16 2007, 03:22 PM']smack his girlfriend/cousin/sister/step mother and put hat bitch in her place![/quote]

[Guest CincyInDC]

[quote name='Jamie_B' post='511383' date='Jul 16 2007, 03:20 PM']I wonder what Kige Ramsey would do? [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons//39.gif[/img][/quote]

WWKD?

[Guest BlackJesus]

[quote name='Jamie_B' post='511383' date='Jul 16 2007, 03:20 PM']I wonder what Kige Ramsey would do? [img]http://forum.go-bengals.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/39.gif[/img][/quote]

[font="Arial Narrow"][size=3][b]Bring the sheep to the side of a cliff ... and make her back that ass up [/b][/size][/font]

[Jamie_B]

[quote name='CincyInDC' post='511386' date='Jul 16 2007, 03:24 PM']WWKD?

[/quote]




[quote name='BlackJesus' post='511387' date='Jul 16 2007, 03:24 PM'][font="Arial Narrow"][size=3][b]Bring the sheep to the side of a cliff ... and make her back that ass up [/b][/size][/font][/quote]

Well he is from Kentucky.