Guest steggyD Posted February 23, 2006 Report Share Posted February 23, 2006 Without going too deep into my problems, I'll vaguely describe my problem. It's marital problems. I'm not sure if any of you know my situation, but I'm about 3 months away from a BFA degree, and I have one hell of a senior thesis to work on. However, I cannot concentrate with these marital/emotional problems. We have been talking, arguing, but not clearing it all up. I need to finish my thesis, in order to graduate and maybe end up paying alimony and child support. How do I clear my head? Any of you older people around here been through troubled marriages? I can't concentrate. It's noon, and I'm 3 beers deep, playing fuckin' video games, when I should be working hard on my thesis. It's bothering me too much. I've put ten fuckin' years into this relationship, and decided to go to school to make my money-hungry wife happy, and now we have "problems". What's the cure? I'm too close to my degree and possibly a good career to throw it all away, but damn, it's killing me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuckWoody Posted February 23, 2006 Report Share Posted February 23, 2006 Sounds like a good question for Bunghole...he's an experienced bartender, right? Sorry I can't offer up much good advice, my marriage is pretty sound and I went through college fat, drunk, and stupid...my head was always pretty clear. I'd say that if you're that close, concentrate as best as you can on your degree and get it in hand. Then work on the relationship trouble. If it ends up being irreconcilable, you've at least got your degree that you can move forward with. If you slack on your degree to try to patch things up and they don't work out you're probably going to be dealing with a lot more stress which will make it even harder to concentrate on your studies. Hang with 'em, steggy. Here's hoping everything works out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalBacker Posted February 23, 2006 Report Share Posted February 23, 2006 I can't add much to what BuckWoody said. I've never really been in that position. The only thing I might add is maybe it's time to be selfish. If you know in your heart your marriage isn't going to work out, then start concentrating on what's best for you. Life's too short to spend it making yourself miserable trying to please someone else. Hang in there man. You have friends here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest steggyD Posted February 23, 2006 Report Share Posted February 23, 2006 Alright, so it's that easy. I just put it aside in my head and concentrate on my thesis. But damn, it's there, it's stuck. I'm not even so much worried about the money I may lose afterwards, but all of the time that I put into this. All the effort, everything, for nothing. Tough shit for me to handle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Joker Posted February 23, 2006 Report Share Posted February 23, 2006 [quote name='steggyD' post='221868' date='Feb 23 2006, 12:49 PM']Without going too deep into my problems, I'll vaguely describe my problem. It's marital problems. I'm not sure if any of you know my situation, but I'm about 3 months away from a BFA degree, and I have one hell of a senior thesis to work on. However, I cannot concentrate with these marital/emotional problems. We have been talking, arguing, but not clearing it all up. I need to finish my thesis, in order to graduate and maybe end up paying alimony and child support. How do I clear my head? Any of you older people around here been through troubled marriages? I can't concentrate. It's noon, and I'm 3 beers deep, playing fuckin' video games, when I should be working hard on my thesis. It's bothering me too much. I've put ten fuckin' years into this relationship, and decided to go to school to make my money-hungry wife happy, and now we have "problems". What's the cure? I'm too close to my degree and possibly a good career to throw it all away, but damn, it's killing me.[/quote] Allow me to add something that may or may not help. *Warning Take At Your Own Risk* I started college and was married and had a new baby boy in 1995. After the struggles of a baby and college my Cheatin' cunt slut (now) ex wife tried everything in her power to discourage me from making myself more educated. After I divorced the cunt I dropped out of college and met a great woman who is smart and very supportive. She also has a son my boy's age. We married and I started back to school. I am set to graduate this spring and she has been tremendous in the process. She is now going back to get her Masters in Nursing. The bottom line is if your marrage has no support system it will fail. If your wife can't see what is important to you what good is the marrage to begin with. Also what may seem like the end of the earth today won't be so bad when you get through it. Good luck I hoped I helped. Finish your school it is important enough to stick with it for 10 years might as well see it through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalBacker Posted February 23, 2006 Report Share Posted February 23, 2006 Try to look at it as a new found freedom and a chance to be happy again. Sort of like getting out of jail, or a rebirth. It's a chance to get rid of baggage that's been dragging you down. Don't blame yourself, or her for that matter. Bitterness and anger won't help you. Just realize you're both better off apart, if that is indeed the case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeBengal Posted February 23, 2006 Report Share Posted February 23, 2006 Steg, I had a similar issue as well when I was in college but not on the level you have. After 2 years of college, I had a chance to have the rest of my college paid for IF I took a full time job with a company and went to college part-time. My fiance didn't want to keep waiting, so I borrowed the $$ and stayed as a full-time student and kept her happy. Seems she was NEVER happy about anything. We ended up breaking up after I was about to graduate. Talk about pissed! The moral of the story is DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU! They can take alot away from you BUT they can NEVER take away a degree. That stays with you forever! I'm sure its really hard but you got to focus. Set goals for yourself and keep at it to finish your degree. Another personal experience. I was working for a company for 4 years (after college). Exactly 1 month to the day after the September 11th attacks I get laid-off. THEN a few weeks later, I find out my (new)fiance is prego... Neither of us had kids in previous relationships. Talk about a stressful time. The economy is in recession, nobody is hiring, only laying-off. The interviews I got were SO stressful. I finally found work in my field of expertise after 5 months. I kept telling myself it will all work-out and not to stress out so much and that later I will look back on this and laugh. I was so prepared for the interview with the company I'm at now they hired me right on the spot and at a HIGHER rate of pay than my previous job. It will all work out in the end. Hang in there and bust your butt. Stay Positive! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MULLY Posted February 23, 2006 Report Share Posted February 23, 2006 Steggy, man, I wish I had some powerful words of wisdom for you but all I can do is tell you to try to get that shit out of your head. I know it seems like a ten ton weight on your shoulders now but once you're through it things will look better again. You're young and I didn't see anything that says that kids are involved. Get the fuck out of that marriage. You don't need that shit. I'd like to take your side and say she's a cunt or whatever but sometimes people just can't get along. Maybe that's your situation. I can tell you one thing though, man, 3 beers deep at noon is not looking good. Do not turn to alcohol or drugs to try to erase the problems. That shit only makes them worse. Drugs and alcohol are for recreational purposes only. <smile> Seriously though, man, you gotta do your best to not try to make things go away by soaking yourself in beer. You'll cause more damage than you'll get rid of that way. Trust me. Hey, if you need to vent you know you have support right here with us, man. We may only be words on a screen but I like to think that I've made a few friends here that I could hook up with and have a cold one if I ever make back there. You need to realize that too, man. Good luck and keep us informed. MULLY and get rid of the beer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boomer07 Posted February 24, 2006 Report Share Posted February 24, 2006 Steggy, I've been through a divorce. Never had kids, though. My best advice to you, before you do anything rash, is for you and your wife to try marriage counseling. If for no other reason, then for your kids sake. It can help both of you cut through the bullshit and actually communicate on a level playing field. It's hard work, and you both have to be comitted to it, but if there's a chance of saving the relationship, that's it. Again, if for no other reason... for your kids. I did a Yahoo search for "Marriage & Family Councelors" in Kingston and got 118 hits within a 15 mile radius. 44 of the hits were in Kingston proper. It can get better. Worth a shot, anyway. Hang in there, man. And as Mully said, stay away from the alcohol. It only makes things worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi32 Posted February 24, 2006 Report Share Posted February 24, 2006 well man i have a similar experience. im 32 and married 6 years. i have an associates degreethat took 10 years to get. I have no kids,but my wife left me a dear john note last year. It was a shocker. we never argued, i came home from work and theres a note. it took a lot of sit downs and talking to get things worked out but we are still together. stick with school, but u need to make a decision on how important the relationship is to u. work on it acordingly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest schotzee Posted February 24, 2006 Report Share Posted February 24, 2006 steggy, I wish I was a marriage counselor and could offer you some helpful advice,but unfortunately can not.Been married 20 years and had many bumps along the way, but fortunately for me not to the extent as to you.Lot of give and take.I think you have been offered some good advice already,and definitely try the professional counseling. I do agree with Boomer and mully on the alcohol thing as well.Alcohol only makes things worse.That is one area that I am very well schooled on.Many a times after an argument I would hit the booze.I love to drink and relax,but not to use drinking as a getaway. I echo the previous statements of others also that you have many a friend here that if nothing else can be very good listeners. Good luck and God bless friend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest steggyD Posted February 24, 2006 Report Share Posted February 24, 2006 Thanks everyone. Now, I'm not trying to point her out as the bitch who ruined Christmas here. I'm probably more at fault than anyone in the relationship as to why it is the way it is now. But it was me from 8 or 9 years ago, when I was very young and married with a set of young twins. I made a few mistakes, never any large ones, like an affair. Anyways, we are where we are now, and I decided to quit drinking. I'm drinking my last beer in the house now (no, I haven't been drinking this whole time, I stopped at about 3pm). Anyways, I will buy no more after this one. I gotta get my act together, and if she doesn't love me for who I am, then I suppose it's her loss. I have to look at it that way, for my own good. I'm beating myself up, and trying to figure out what is wrong with me. This is very stressful for me, if you all had any idea. I travel about 16 to 20 hours a week, just to complete this degree. In the meantime, I have to find time to be a father and a husband, and obviously the most perfect husband anyone could ever find, however I am supposed to pull that off. But one of my professors said he got some calls this past week, and if any of us students show some skills and knowledge, then he can give us some refs, one of those calls being MTV. That's fuckin' big time, if you know what I mean. I need this more than anything, and I gotta just move on, not really without her, but just on my own, and let her catch up if she wants. And hopefully I can have everything squared away by next football season, so that I can pick up the beer again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-GoBengals- Posted February 24, 2006 Report Share Posted February 24, 2006 [quote name='steggyD' post='222258' date='Feb 23 2006, 11:48 PM']Thanks everyone. Now, I'm not trying to point her out as the bitch who ruined Christmas here. I'm probably more at fault than anyone in the relationship as to why it is the way it is now. But it was me from 8 or 9 years ago, when I was very young and married with a set of young twins. I made a few mistakes, never any large ones, like an affair. Anyways, we are where we are now, and I decided to quit drinking. I'm drinking my last beer in the house now (no, I haven't been drinking this whole time, I stopped at about 3pm). Anyways, I will buy no more after this one. I gotta get my act together, and if she doesn't love me for who I am, then I suppose it's her loss. I have to look at it that way, for my own good. I'm beating myself up, and trying to figure out what is wrong with me. This is very stressful for me, if you all had any idea. I travel about 16 to 20 hours a week, just to complete this degree. In the meantime, I have to find time to be a father and a husband, and obviously the most perfect husband anyone could ever find, however I am supposed to pull that off. But one of my professors said he got some calls this past week, and if any of us students show some skills and knowledge, then he can give us some refs, one of those calls being MTV. That's fuckin' big time, if you know what I mean. I need this more than anything, and I gotta just move on, not really without her, but just on my own, and let her catch up if she wants. And hopefully I can have everything squared away by next football season, so that I can pick up the beer again. [/quote] Goodluck, i was the dick in the dickface sandwich once myself, also a story to long and insan to get into, when my wife, just g/f at the time, left, i had an engagement ring in my pocket(well at home but you know) and a week long vacation to denver to propose planeed and ready to go. it was 51% my fault for the way i acted through the 3 years we were together and 49% her crazy ass family. but you have the advantage of seeing it coming, preparing for it, and having a chance to either work it out or work through it. i stopped drinking 5 years ago (ironically before i turned 21) anywho, that kind of "little stuff" helps in the long run, but its a crutch your going to miss more than you could ever imagine over the next few months. without knowing the details, its hard to give much advice, and its pretty impossible to think selfishly, although good advice, with a child involved and someone youve "dedicated" many years of your life too... ive been married for 9-10 months, and losing my wife would leave me pretty speechless and clueless, especially with my son involved, so i cant fathom how much worse the situation is depending on the circumstances with those extra variables. you seem to have a positive path your headed down, and being upset and distracted over something this emotions immediately triggers self-distructive emotions, especially if your taking the grunt of the blame for the problems, kind of a "i fucked this up, why should i bother with this, screw me i will fuck it up too" your probably working your ass off at other things instead, ... playing the shit out of some video games? step back and take a look as of the past week and the week coming up, what are the posative things you do daily for your and your family/child, and what are the negative. keep amental note of those and try to focus your energy on the posative. child support doesnt have to be coughing up a check to a money grubbing witch, you can keep receipts and buy your child clothes, toys, food, etc and count that instead of just giving cash, your child is forever your family,do whats right for you and him/her. good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie_B Posted February 24, 2006 Report Share Posted February 24, 2006 I have no advice as Ive never been married, but Ill say good luck bro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest steggyD Posted February 24, 2006 Report Share Posted February 24, 2006 Damn, GB. It's like you're right there in my head. How'd you do that? I am wasting my time on other things. I think I need to uninstall all my PC games, until I get to a point that I feel that I should be at. But can I get rid of the beer and the games? And still deal with the relationship or lackthereof at the same time? Funny thing is, I blame myself; the wife blames me, then she blames herself. So, if we are both blaming ourselves, then what's the problem, right? Can't we both say we fucked up, forget it and move on. The next step seems so easy, yet so hard to take. I even left a fine arts elective class the other day, because I fucked up and brought in the wrong supplies. The prof looked mad and I felt like such a fuck-up, I can't even bring in the right supplies, what the hell? I told him I had personal problems and walked out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChicagoBengal Posted February 24, 2006 Report Share Posted February 24, 2006 [quote name='steggyD' post='222325' date='Feb 24 2006, 08:01 AM']Damn, GB. It's like you're right there in my head. How'd you do that? I am wasting my time on other things. I think I need to uninstall all my PC games, until I get to a point that I feel that I should be at. But can I get rid of the beer and the games? And still deal with the relationship or lackthereof at the same time? Funny thing is, I blame myself; the wife blames me, then she blames herself. So, if we are both blaming ourselves, then what's the problem, right? Can't we both say we fucked up, forget it and move on. The next step seems so easy, yet so hard to take. I even left a fine arts elective class the other day, because I fucked up and brought in the wrong supplies. The prof looked mad and I felt like such a fuck-up, I can't even bring in the right supplies, what the hell? I told him I had personal problems and walked out.[/quote] Stegs, It sounds like you both realize that this is a two way street. Counseling may be a great way to go for you guys. An independent arbitrator / listener would do your marriage a great service. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie_B Posted February 24, 2006 Report Share Posted February 24, 2006 Something you might consider is talking to your proffessors as well, see what they can do to help you. They are people as well and some may have been through some of the same things. I know my father was working on his Doctorate when my Mom had her issues and he had to ask for an extention and the professor was quite understanding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest steggyD Posted February 25, 2006 Report Share Posted February 25, 2006 "It's not worth a marriage counselor," per the woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BengalBeotch Posted February 25, 2006 Report Share Posted February 25, 2006 Hey Steggy....I've been married 8 years, just went thru some shit that I wasn't sure I could get thru...you have the will, you can get thru it...trust me. Your Schooling is so much more important than you can imagine right now... just think...ONLY 3 more months...YOU CAN DO IT STEGGY!!! my advice is communicate....calmly and sincerely.... You need to sit your women down, look her directly in the eyes and calmly ask her for her help... tell her this is the most important 3 months of your life because getting thru these 3 months will make all of your lives so much better...tell her you need to work harder then you've ever had to...remind her that she's been with you thru all of your schooling and remind her of the rewards of finishing school...then remind her IT'S ONLY 3 MORE MONTHS and ask her to hang in there.... tell her you love her....(if you do.. ) tell her you know it hasn't been easy for either of you but right now you've got to concentrate and you need her support!!! You want to finish your schooling for them... promise her that once you have gotten thru this 3 months that you will make more time to work on each other and work on your marriage... sometimes women need to know your still there..we need to see it and believe it. get thru school Steggy!!! No matter what happens in your relationship, it will be easier to swallow if your financially stable...you've obviously worked VERY HARD to get where your at now...don't blow it now! GET THAT DEGREE....WORK ON THAT THESIS!!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest steggyD Posted February 26, 2006 Report Share Posted February 26, 2006 I [b]do[/b] love her, more than anything in this world. That's why it hurts so much. If I didn't care anything about the relationship, then all of this would be much easier to swallow. Hell, I'd probably say, about damn time our relationship came down to this, I've been trying to get rid of you for years. But it's not like that. I care so, so, so much, it hurts. I'm usually a nice guy, ya know, the way I shared the vids this past season without asking for anything in return. I'm like that in person. I try so hard to please those who are close to me, probably because of some of the evil things I have done earlier in life. Maybe I'm trying to lift some karmic weight. But my passion may get me into trouble also. I have to learn to control my passion, and maybe I can be a better person because of that. She says she doesn't want to try counseling, because of two reasons. One, it's not worth it, meaning there's no hope. And two, she doesn't want to be blamed as a cold and heartless bitch. I used to be afraid of counseling because I was afraid that they would magnify all of my faults and show me how awful I am. I think she feels that way now. But I have confronted all my faults, apologized, forgave her, and have asked if I can get one last chance, and I promised not to do the things wrong that I have done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STRAYCAT Posted February 26, 2006 Report Share Posted February 26, 2006 Been married 23 years. You have to get firm if you think its best in the long run. If she wants to bail out after all you have been thru and not look down the road to the big picture..maybe its time to seperate for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-GoBengals- Posted February 26, 2006 Report Share Posted February 26, 2006 [quote name='STRAYCAT' post='223008' date='Feb 25 2006, 10:54 PM']Been married 23 years. You have to get firm if you think its best in the long run. If she wants to bail out after all you have been thru and not look down the road to the big picture..maybe its time to seperate for a while. [/quote] hardest thing in the world to accept right there...almost impossible to do willingly... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamie_B Posted February 26, 2006 Report Share Posted February 26, 2006 Hang in there Bro, Im gonna say a prayer for you tonight. You and I share the issue of being able to stay focused when personal issues are overwhelming. I know you follow some Buddist pricipiles, try to get some time to yourself if at all possible and mediate if only to clear out the old noggin. Stay strong bro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BengalBacker Posted February 26, 2006 Report Share Posted February 26, 2006 Wish I had some magic words for you man. If she truly doesn't want to try and make it work, then you should let her go. It takes two. If you force her to stay somehow, you'll both just end up resenting each other and most likely delaying the inevitable. That usually ends up worse on the kids than an amicable separation. Make sure you aren't clinging to it out of fear of the life change it will bring, and the fear of being alone. No one wants to be alone and a lot of people stay in bad relationships because of it. I'm sure you won't be alone for long. There's a great chance you'll find someone who will make you much happier. Just don't latch onto the first woman that comes along. Don't blind yourself to things you know will be problems down the road just for the security of having someone. I'm definitely not saying give up on making it work, but if the time comes when you know it isn't going to, keep you head up, and seize the opportunity to make your life better than it's ever been. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest oldschooler Posted February 26, 2006 Report Share Posted February 26, 2006 I deleted my original post to this thread. I figured the person it was directed at, already read it. And it had some personal stuff in it that I didn`t want anyone to use against me in the future. Anyway, Steggy...all you can do is all you can do. There`s an old saying... "There`s a fine line between love and stupidity...sometimes you need to look down and see where you`re standing." Now, I`m not calling you stupid. I`m just saying that love is a two way street. You fall in love because you feel loved. When people first meet and fall in love, they share the same hopes and dreams for the future. And the rest of the relationship is basically based on those hopes and dreams. When things start going bad, people usually use those hopes and dreams to try and make it through it. But sometimes one person is holding on while the other has already let go. All you can do is make sure that you have done everything in your power to make things right. If you`re doing all the loving, only to be told that you`re beating a dead horse, then maybe you need to listen what the other person is saying and realize that you did all you can do. Believe me, I know all of this is easier said than done. I`ve been down that road a few times myself. Now I don`t know you personally. All I know is the person that is portrayed while you`re here. You seem to be a great person, with a good heart. You`re intelligent, you`re a good dad, and you`ve got your priorities straight. Just realize that no matter if your Wife wants to be with you anymore or not... that you`re still that person. You and your Wife tried to have a life together and for whatever reasons, it didn`t work out. That doesn`t make either one of you bad people. It just means that you weren`t a good couple. Don`t make it a right and wrong thing. Don`t hate her because you 2 couldn`t make things work. Just do what`s best for YOU and your kids. I could go one and on when it comes to this topic. But I`m just speaking from my own experience. From my own experience the best thing I can tell you is just try to be happy and thankful for the good times you two shared, the children that your love brought into this World and try to look at it like, as long as you remain a good person and good Dad, that good days are ahead for you. If your Wife wants to share in those good days, that`s totally up to her. But you need to focus on YOU having a good future and not pin it all on her being beside you... Good luck Brother. If you ever need someone to talk to, my PM box is always open to you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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