bengalfan34 Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 So my day starts out pretty good for once, then my wife of almost 11 years comes in and tells me she met someone else and wants a divorce. She says she has not been happy for the last few years, but just didn't tell me about it. I get to keep my kids, which i am glad about, and the house since it belongs to my parents. But we are going back and forth about the cars. I think i should get the better car since i am keeping the kids. Is that wrong on my part? I know i don't know anyone here very well, but i have been sitting here thinking and had to get some shit off of my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
|Bunghole| Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 [quote name='bengalfan34' date='29 September 2009 - 02:26 AM' timestamp='1254205608' post='809019'] So my day starts out pretty good for once, then my wife of almost 11 years comes in and tells me she met someone else and wants a divorce. She says she has not been happy for the last few years, but just didn't tell me about it. I get to keep my kids, which i am glad about, and the house since it belongs to my parents. But we are going back and forth about the cars. I think i should get the better car since i am keeping the kids. Is that wrong on my part? I know i don't know anyone here very well, but i have been sitting here thinking and had to get some shit off of my mind. [/quote] Jesus, there's no advice to give that will make your situation better. I've come close with my wife to the same scenario fairly recently, mostly due to my drinking alcohol in excess. Are there any other outstanding issues you're not sharing? I bet there are. Women rarely up and leave their man (especially with kids involved) without some reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CincyInDC Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 Sorry to hear that and really sorry to say things will likely get worse before they get better. HOWEVER, somewhere down the road you will realize you are better off without someone like that. Just keep it civil for the kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BengalBacker Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 Being married for almost 27 years, I've never been in your position but I'll give my thoughts anyway. Realize that for her to do what she did, regardless of her reasons, it's over. Forget any thoughts of trying to keep her. She didn't just have a little fling with a coworker, she's leaving her children and you for someone else. Let her go. You and your kids will be better off. You will always resent and mistrust her. Don't hate her though, people often do horrible things when they are acting on natural human instincts. One of the most profound experiences humans have is the process of new love. The excitement of the whole mating ritual and conquest is the most pleasurable thing we ever experience. Marriage by nature gets boring. We all entertain thoughts of being with someone else to one degree or another, and some people just can't resist that urge. She couldn't, but now you don't have to. You get to start over a free man. That can be a fantastic thing if you take the right attitude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 [quote name='bengalfan34' date='29 September 2009 - 02:26 AM' timestamp='1254205608' post='809019'] So my day starts out pretty good for once, then my wife of almost 11 years comes in and tells me she met someone else and wants a divorce. She says she has not been happy for the last few years, but just didn't tell me about it. I get to keep my kids, which i am glad about, and the house since it belongs to my parents. But we are going back and forth about the cars. I think i should get the better car since i am keeping the kids. Is that wrong on my part? I know i don't know anyone here very well, but i have been sitting here thinking and had to get some shit off of my mind. [/quote] I am sorry to hear about that. I know what it's like to go through a divorce. But if she has been cheating on you don't give her anything. Let her buy her own car. SHe broke the covenant, don't give her a dime. I know I don't have the emotion invested that you do, and I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but it's what she has earned. If she wasn't happy she should have talked to you before it got to that point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MULLY Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 I'm going to go against the advice of others here and say let her have the fucking car. Why get in a pissing match, that you'll lose, over a car? Regardless of if she was cheating or not, of which I'm assuming you have no hard evidence other than what she said, if it gets to be a battle in court more often than not the woman wins. It's just not worth it. I agree with Backer that you shouldn't hate her, at least not visibly. Children are involved and both of you are going to be needed for their proper growth. It's bad enough on them that the 2 of you are divorcing. Do not let it be known to them that she bailed on them. They don't need that kind of heartache on top of all the other shit they're going to go through over this. As for her, fuck that cunt. She's got some set of balls stepping outside the marriage for a different dick. If she wasn't happy she should have left and then found someone. To do it while you're still married though? Just wrong. MULLY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bengals1181 Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 wow, good luck with it all. I can't imagine being in that position. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vol_Bengal Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 First... I feel sorry for you, but more so I feel sorry for your kids. I don't know their ages but I don't know how you explain to them that none of this was their fault. You try to keep things as normal as possible for them but that, for me, would be the hardest part of it all. As for the disagreement... unless the one car is just a lot nicer and more conducive for hauling the kids around then I wouldn't get overly bent about it. Let her have it, and the note on it as well... In the long run it probably isn't worth the hassle it'll cause you, the vindictiveness that'll come, and the kids will feel it. It is just a car. Get with a lawyer to make sure all things legal remove you from that car, remove her from anything else (house, second car, etc.), have your parents / brother / sister watch the kids for a weekend, help her move her shit out of the house, pack it up in that very car, and as she's closing the door to drive away, let her know... No biotch (yes, I spelled it that way) is going to fuck around on you... so sayonara. Tell her to not even look back. There may have been other things going on that aren't being talked about here... but if what you say is true, that this came out of nowhere then she's the one that fucked around on you - not the other way around. And, she didn't voice her concerns / issues that she had with anything so there weren't warning signs either. Yes, there is emotional equity that you have in it - but I know one thing for damn sure... and I've told my wife this ever since we've been married - there is no way I could ever, EVER, get past her fucking around on me so if she elected to make that decision, then she's actually making two. One, to cheat, two, to lose me, the kids, and most of her shit. All she had to do was give you the decency to make you aware of the issues - either discuss them or make it perfectly clear to you that things were over, etc. and move in that direction. She didn't do that. 11 years of marriage at least afford you that. Good luck! Like someone else said - you will mourn for awhile but I have a sneaking suspicion that there have been some other issues / friction that has been there for awhile and be positive with the kids, let them know you love them and will always be there for them, no matter what, and be positive looking forward to a new outlook without those issues / friction that I suspect was present. Just remember - it will get better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gatorclaws Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 [quote name='Fulcher_33' date='29 September 2009 - 08:35 AM' timestamp='1254224147' post='809043'] I'm going to go against the advice of others here and say let her have the fucking car. Why get in a pissing match, that you'll lose, over a car? Regardless of if she was cheating or not, of which I'm assuming you have no hard evidence other than what she said, if it gets to be a battle in court more often than not the woman wins. It's just not worth it. I agree with Backer that you shouldn't hate her, at least not visibly. Children are involved and both of you are going to be needed for their proper growth. It's bad enough on them that the 2 of you are divorcing. Do not let it be known to them that she bailed on them. They don't need that kind of heartache on top of all the other shit they're going to go through over this. As for her, fuck that cunt. She's got some set of balls stepping outside the marriage for a different dick. If she wasn't happy she should have left and then found someone. To do it while you're still married though? Just wrong. MULLY [/quote] yeah, the fight over the car probably wouldn't be worth it. If you're getting the kids, that's what really matters. If you piss her off fighting over a car then she might fight to get the kids from you just to piss you off. It's not the same, but I essentially got kicked in the balls from the girl I thought I was going to marry when she ran off with another guy. It sucks and there's no way to avoid the pain you're going to feel, but things will eventually be better than ever. Stay strong, you'll recover from this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheBeaverHunter Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 [quote name='BengalBacker' date='29 September 2009 - 06:26 AM' timestamp='1254216412' post='809034'] Being married for almost 27 years, I've never been in your position but I'll give my thoughts anyway. Realize that for her to do what she did, regardless of her reasons, it's over. Forget any thoughts of trying to keep her. She didn't just have a little fling with a coworker, she's leaving her children and you for someone else. Let her go. You and your kids will be better off. You will always resent and mistrust her. Don't hate her though, people often do horrible things when they are acting on natural human instincts. One of the most profound experiences humans have is the process of new love. The excitement of the whole mating ritual and conquest is the most pleasurable thing we ever experience. Marriage by nature gets boring. We all entertain thoughts of being with someone else to one degree or another, and some people just can't resist that urge. She couldn't, but now you don't have to. You get to start over a free man. That can be a fantastic thing if you take the right attitude. . [/quote] Wow man, that was good advice. Impressive, backer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farbeyonddriven Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 I'm sorry, but what kind of mother could just say "Oh, by the way, you can have the kids."? That is fucked on so many levels. You won't have to tell them that mommy bailed on them, they will learn in due time, and they will more than likely hate her for it. I also agree, just let her have the car, you got the kids, and I'm sure that is more important to you. Good luck man! On the positive side of things, just think of all the fine ass women you've been missing for the past 11 years, get out and have some fun man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bengalfan34 Posted September 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 Thanks for all of the advise. I know some have questioned if i was or was not telling everything. The only thing we ever fought over was money. I had a slight stroke 2 years ago, and since then i have had trouble finding work i can do. As for her giving me the kids, there was no choice there. She works night shift so she couldn't keep them. I told her she wasn't taking my kids from me. My kids and I are very very close. She is always gone, so they don't have a close relationship. She figured they would be happier staying here, and i don't want them put into a different school. It's going to be hard enough on them without having to lose their friends also. As for the car, I figured since I am keeping the kids, I should have the more reliable car. I don't hate her, and I hope I never do. She will always be in my life because of the kids. One good thing she is doing, she is going to stay here until I can find work and then she is moving out. It is weird so far, and it's only been a day since she dropped the bomb on me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Actium Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 I'm sorry to hear this. I don't know what to say other than that. The day is fine on yonder heights. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
|Bunghole| Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 [quote name='bengalfan34' date='29 September 2009 - 03:01 PM' timestamp='1254250878' post='809250'] Thanks for all of the advise. I know some have questioned if i was or was not telling everything. The only thing we ever fought over was money. I had a slight stroke 2 years ago, and since then i have had trouble finding work i can do. As for her giving me the kids, there was no choice there. She works night shift so she couldn't keep them. I told her she wasn't taking my kids from me. My kids and I are very very close. She is always gone, so they don't have a close relationship. She figured they would be happier staying here, and i don't want them put into a different school. It's going to be hard enough on them without having to lose their friends also. As for the car, I figured since I am keeping the kids, I should have the more reliable car. I don't hate her, and I hope I never do. She will always be in my life because of the kids. One good thing she is doing, she is going to stay here until I can find work and then she is moving out. It is weird so far, and it's only been a day since she dropped the bomb on me. [/quote] Ah shit man, for some reason I misplaced who you were. Now I remember. Heck, I'm just up the road from you in Hidden Valley, let me know if there's anything I can do, or if you want to hang out, have a beer, etc. Feel free to PM me if you wish. I hope you make the best of your situation. As for the car, I think you should have the more reliable car too. In your initial post, I think you said something like "newer" or some such, which I agreed with other posters wasn't worth fighting over. Depending on just how bad of shape your other car is in, you may want to just logically tell her why you should have the more reliable car, since you are the one that has to ferry the kids around. But I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it if she digs her heels in over it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BengalBeotch Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 Wow... as the Beotch of the bunch, I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry you are going thru this but I'm glad you are close to your children. Keep the doors open and make sure you let them know they can talk to you no matter what. Make sure you reaffirm to them it has nothing to do with them and it's not their fault. Make sure you let them know you BOTH love them no matter what. I'm watching a close friend go thru divorce right now and it's not pretty. Make sure you cover your ass with a lawyer that was mentioned before and get everything "legal like" so it's set in stone. You will have every right to child support once it is set that you have full custody (I would wait until you have full custody and it's legal before going for child support, you can ALWAYS go back for support but get custody first) I'm trying to think of how a REAL mother could so easily give up her children. All I can say is she is "not right in the head" so you would most likely be better off without her. I know what it's like to be unhappy in a marriage but I've always expressed my issues so I feel I've given him fair warning to help change things. Doesn't sound like she gave you any warnings which might mean she never wanted to work on it. Like the guys mentioned, you will be better off without her, everything happens for a reason and you will have another chance to find happiness sooner rather then later in life. Good Luck friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sois Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 Sucks man. However, if you also were unhappy, this might be a good chance to change direction. Spend more time with the kids, hit the gym, enjoy the things you really do like. Tough times will pass, keep your head up, things will get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 1 more thing you really need to keep in mind. Emotionally she left a long time ago if she is already seeing someone else. This is all new and fresh to you. As a woman, consciously or subconsciously, she knows this. I respect you wanting to keep things civil. But, as someone who has been through a divorce, do not let her take advantage of your emotional state. Particularly the times she is being really sweet. Have someone you know well, who you respect and who's judgement you trust around. Talk to that person before you make any decisions or concessions in things she wants. If you can afford it I would seriously recommend that you do as much as possible through a lawyer. If not, go with that friend. Also, do not be surprised if during the grieving process you go through times where you do hate her. If you can vent with that same friend, great. But have someone, not your kids, that you can vent to. I wish you the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gatorclaws Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 [quote name='bengalfan34' date='29 September 2009 - 04:01 PM' timestamp='1254250878' post='809250'] One good thing she is doing, she is going to stay here until I can find work and then she is moving out. [/quote] I don't know if that's the greatest idea. It'll be tough to have to see her every day, on the phone with the new guy or seeing him pick her up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rumble In the Jungle Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 man, you should be happy. she most likely was cheating on you when you say she was gone most of the time, so F*** her. sorry man, but it is what it is. and you will find someone else to make you happy. im single now and freaking loving it to the fullest. i have 3 kids, but my ex doesn't work and i do. so i let her have the cars and the house so she doesn't have to move and change kids schools like you said. i get them every weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bengalfan34 Posted September 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 To everyone that replied to my post, i just want to say thank you for everything. You are a great bunch of people. You don't know what this has meant to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BengalBacker Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 [quote name='bengalfan34' date='29 September 2009 - 03:01 PM' timestamp='1254250878' post='809250'] Thanks for all of the advise. I know some have questioned if i was or was not telling everything. The only thing we ever fought over was money. I had a slight stroke 2 years ago, and since then i have had trouble finding work i can do. [/quote] My brother hurt his back and was out of work for, if I remember correctly, almost a year. His wife "found someone else" just like yours and dropped the bomb on him completely out of the blue. They were married for at least 9 or 10 years, not sure. Had a kid. He remarried a couple of years later and I'm sure he's happier now than ever. He's now been re-married for somewhere around 20 years, has a really nice house, good job and a great life. He and his ex have stayed civil and moved on. She kept the kid, but he was able to have her a lot of the time. What kind of work can you do, or can learn to do, and where do you live? Maybe someone here can give you a hand, or point you in the right direction. Life sometimes crams a shit sandwich down our throats. We just have to deal with it, and try to come out better in the end. Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatScratchFever Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 That's terrible news, dude, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm going to add to little twist here that I sincerely hope doesn't happen: Expect her to change her mind about the kids. Unless she's truly a cold-hearted, unfeeling ice queen, she will eventually want to see her kids again, and possibly want at least partial custody. If there are lawyers involved, expect the lawyer to convince her to push for it. It may or may not happen, but I think you should be prepared for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MULLY Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 [quote name='CatScratchFever' date='30 September 2009 - 11:01 PM' timestamp='1254315713' post='809520'] That's terrible news, dude, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm going to add to little twist here that I sincerely hope doesn't happen: Expect her to change her mind about the kids. Unless she's truly a cold-hearted, unfeeling ice queen, she will eventually want to see her kids again, and possibly want at least partial custody. If there are lawyers involved, expect the lawyer to convince her to push for it. It may or may not happen, but I think you should be prepared for it. [/quote] I think I read that he had said that because of her working schedule she knows she can't take them and they'd be better off with dad. MULLY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatScratchFever Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 [quote name='Fulcher_33' date='30 September 2009 - 11:24 AM' timestamp='1254320645' post='809557'] I think I read that he had said that because of her working schedule she knows she can't take them and they'd be better off with dad. MULLY [/quote] I'm sure she believes that now, but I'd be willing to bet her motherly instincts kick in at some point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bengalfan34 Posted September 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 We have agreed on joint custody. They will be with me, and and she will take them on her days off. We pretty much have all the arrangements worked out. I'm making sure the kids stay with me. It is going to be hard enough on them as it is, so I don't want them pulled out of the school they go to and lose their friends that they have had for years. She knows this is for the best and she is thinking about them. Today has been a rough day for me so far. The kids don't know anything yet, but they know something is wrong. I'm just not sure if it is the right time to tell them. It is hard right now, because I can say I don't have many friends to go to. So I just sit here and think about what has did to me. Well, I will stop bitching for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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